Babel

Sacrifice

2012-02-01T14:22:00.001-08:00

Some days are okay. some are good. some are really bad. it just happens that way. it's hard. don't judge me, you don't know what it's like.

you don't know what its like to finally reach a place where you think you've finally reached everything you want. somewhere where you're finally good enough. you're finally good enough. and then it all goes away. you made it there...and then failed. you didn't get to stay.

if you couldn't tell... today is a bad day.

i told him so many times. i told him there was nothing for me. that he had to let me go. he had to. there was nothing for me. i would be lost. but he didn't listen. he never listened. he thought it was right and wouldn't listen to reason. he is a believer. but i'm not anymore.

i just don't understand. i don't understand any of it. if this was wrong, then Why did God let me do it? why didn't He stop me? And if it is right then why do i spend my days miserable and alone, wondering if i have any sort of viable future at all. why do i wake up and the first thoughts in my head are the look on his face when he finds my body? i don't want to think these things, they're just there. they're there because they exist in minds where the only thing you believe is that there is nothing to look forward to anymore. nothing that won't make your mind worse. make you sadder. make you more useless. make you less of a human being... so much less than you once were.

if he really loved me, wouldn't he have let me go? or wouldn't he have offered something himself to sacrifice, instead of just taking everything from me? why didn't he listen. why didn't he know? i told him. i told him. i told him. i told him. i told him at least five times, that i can remember specifically.

its poisoned now. if i stay, i'm lost. if i go, i'll have sinned. I'm bound in a covenant that i didn't understand when i made it. so why was i allowed to make it? he says he loves me. he says it so much. and i feel like a liar when i say it back. i can't look at him when i say it anymore. because i know he doesn't. not really. not anymore. he says it because it's an excuse. i love you and because of that i had to take you with me. i had to bind you. i had to make you my prisoner. i didn't realize it would kill you. he says i love you to please his own guilt. he says it because he hopes i'm still playing along.

some days i love him. on the good days. but not today. today i wish that i had listened to myself. most days i wish i had listened when my father asked if i really was ready to get married. i wasn't. i still am not. i'm a prisoner. ball and chain. they weren't lying. why couldn't he sacrifice for me? why couldn't he let me be who i was? i've changed now. i'm not who i used to be. what i am now isn't something to be loved. i'm hollow. empty. it's all gone to sadness, or despair. how can he love me, o r even pretend to, when i'm not who i was even five months ago? when i've become useless. faithless. obsolete.

why did i ever believe?

The Cave

2011-05-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a broken heart. This girl fell to her hands and knees from anguish and crawled inside a cave, where she could be safe while she healed. She promised herself that she would never come out of the cave until she could stand straight again. And so she dwelt, slowly healing, in the darkness of the cave, where none could reach her. None could love her yet none could harm her.
Each time voices called to her, seeking love, she would listen, and try to stand. But each time, she found she could not stand, she ignored the calls until they, too, disappeared. But one call came that was stronger than the others. This one was patient, kind, like nothing else she had ever heard before. She listened, and tried to stand, but could not. But this time, for this voice calling to her, she did not give up. Day after day, she tried to stand in her cave, wanting to know that she was whole enough to come out again, to face the world without excruciating fear and vulnerability. She tried and tried, but each time, could not stand straight.
But the voice did not disappear. It was patient, kind, and loving, and continuously called to her from outside the cave. She knew if she did not answer this call, there would not be another like it ever again. And so she began to look at herself differently than she had before.
Her heart was whole, she was strong again. But why couldn't she stand. She tried again, and paused, suddenly understanding. the Cave she had dwelt in for so long was small. The ceiling too low for anyone to kneel, much less stand. And so the ultimate choice. She could stay in the cave, bashing her head against the stone each time she tried to stand and slumping back down to the ground, defeated. Or, she could come out of the cave. But the only way she would be able to come out, was the same way she came in: on her hands and knees.
Fear gripped her now more petrifying than anything she'd ever felt before. Caught between the risk of detrimental vulnerability in the outside world and the hard, cold stone that had kept her prisoner for years. But she was braver now. Her heart was whole.
She raised up her voice and called to friends and family outside of the cave. She needed more to be there than just the patient voice that had called her each day, helping her remember how to hope and believe in something good again. Finally, when she heard the footsteps gathering, she came out.
Once outside, she raised her head and found that she could stand. Though the onlookers had seen her, appearing broken, crawling out of the cave, they could see her now, standing and strong. All of the onlookers were friends and family, some who had never seen her before she entered the cave. Many were not faces she expected to see, and many whom she expected to come to her aid and support were missing. But they smiled, all, and welcomed her into their arms. And into the bosom of the owner of the kind and patient voice, she lay her head and gave her now whole heart.

the choice

2011-03-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

To choose one love or another? Can it ever be possible? so one to make life bearable and one to make life livable. Can one love exist without its sister? And if, in so existing, worth anything more than naught?
Yet in knowing love encompasses not all, and shares a brother which mankind knows well, which is that very hatred that damns us all. For there is no knowing love without hate. one cannot be loved save they are hated also, even by the same.
So denied that hatred that hides in pride, for through pride comes the forcing of choice and buries its feet with the root of hatred.
Comes now the tide. if both loves beget hatred on the more when together and one will soon die without her sister, then what choice can there be?
Behold there is only one: neither.
So love with hatred both are lost and justice smiles, satisfied. And what of mercy? Mercy is God's blesssing to mankind in the gift of love again. A love that breeds more of itself than its brother.

Anger, Sadness, and Fear

2011-03-10T20:46:00.000-08:00

Being scared is a curious thing. it's something that you can rationalize and make excuses all you want. It's something that you can almost talk yourself out of time and time again, but always creeps back in somehow. At least, until whatever is causing you to fear is irradicated or resolved.
In the last few years, I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that 1. it is okay to have emotions and 2. it's okay to have emotions if you know how to deal with them. Don't let them rule you, you know?
The first thing I'd like to talk about is Anger. About two years ago, I had a run of angry that lasted for a month. It would've lasted longer, too, if I hadn't come across some coping skills. In my entire life, I can't remember being that angry. Especially for that long. But anger is very dangerous. It doesn't care who it lashes out at, or who it hurts. it's just looking for satisfaction. That was hard for me to deal with. I mostly kept my mouth shut, and didn't smile for 2 weeks. But when i was left alone, i used to sit in my room, completely still. Mostly because i was afraid that if i moved, i would lose it and tear everything apart... which wouldn't be good.
What was my coping mechanism you ask? well, for me it was Fasting. I fasted and prayed that the anger would be taken away from me, and it was. I know not everyone believes in this, but it worked for me. but the principal is the same. Getting over anger, i think, is really just not wanting to be angry anymore. And i'm not talking about the angsty teenager that says he doesnt want to be angry any more, i mean really really being sick and tired of being angry and begging for it to stop. That kind of wanting it to be done.
Of course, what could ever follow anger, except sadness? I had a lot of sadness growing up that i didn't know how to deal with and i paid for that with stupid decisions and stupider so called solutions. But you know what i found out this time around? the cure for sadness isn't happiness, it's trust. trust in the people that love you. they're not joking when they tell you that they love you, that you're a wonderful person, and that you're beautiful/handsome/attractive. they're not saying that just to try to make you feel better: they mean it. When you trust them, you also believe them. I still remember the day i looked in the mirror and told myself i wasn't ugly, and believed it. that set me on the path to being happy. Getting rid of sadness isn't about obtaining happiness, it's about getting on the right path toward it. And when you're moving toward something, it's hard to dwell on the past. You learn how to move on.
But if you're like me, a lot of sadness comes from locking things away and ignoring them for far too long. In that case, the best solution is to just face the problem. Gird up your loins and wrestle that lion that's been stalking you for however long. The worst that can happen is you get a few fresh wounds, but then you can really start to heal without that lion breathing down your neck, threatening to kill you at any moment.
And then, after sadness? Comes fear. in whatever form, everyone experiences it. Whether you're just getting over sadness or anger and you're not quite sure what to do with yourself, or you're afraid to return to that miserable state that you're just getting out of. However, in my case, i'm usually not afraid of a good thing, and i'm pretty sure that even if i was thrown back into anger or sadness, it wouldn't destroy my life, because i know now that i know how to handle it, healthily. However, my greatest fear is the threat that i might send someone into that awful state of misery. Entirely by accident, never by design. I'm not a malicious person, you see, but i truly am utterly afraid of sending someone through what i went through. True, i learned a lot both about myself and about life in general, but i also believe that there are better ways of learning these life lessons than how i did.
If you couldn't tell, this final stage is the one i'm currently dealing with. Just like when i was angry and when i was sad, i can't remember a time when i felt fear so strongly. Fear that makes me want to shrink inside myself and never come out. But i have to be strong. I've learned how to be patient, kind, and confident. Now, i think, i need to learn how to be brave.

2010

2011-01-02T21:32:00.000-08:00

So those of you who don't know or are reading this blog for some bizarre reason that I can't comprehend... 2010 was a long and interesting year for me.
Seeing as my birthday is so close to new years, I usually don't measure my year by the normal Jan 1 to Jan 1 standard. Instead, after the excitement of the new year is over and most people have already broken their resolutions, I start mine two and a half weeks into the new year on my birthday. So, technically, I've still got a little year left.
Last birthday found me in my apartment with friends, balloons, streamers, and cheesecake. It was awesome. Although that was a really difficult semester for me. I took 18 credits with a job and my internship and a calling to boot. But it was good. i realized just how much I could handle. Unfortunately that also meant that I thought I could do even more... seeing as I handled that semester so well.
The summer held a new adventure as I made my way to Florida to work at Walt Disney World. Now I can handle pretty much any job. Really, it's just work after all. I can handle the long hours, miserable conditions, rediculous costumes, grumpy people, and crap of a pay. Sure, those things don't really count, as long as I've got awesome people to work with. And at Disney I did! I met so many people from around the world. I admit, I was a bit out of control over the summer. I did basically whatever I wanted and perhaps shirked a little responsibility. But all I had to worry about was working. That and making sure I made it on-time to both of my brothers' weddings. That was a whole adventure in and of itself.
Summer's end found me back at BYU. Though it was less credits, it was by far the most difficult semester of my life. instead of fighting to figure out what I wasn't able to learn the first time around, I was fighting faulty curriculum and TA's that needed to get off their high horse and actually help the students who sought them out. Instead of staying up late to study and carefully planning which classes I could skip in order to catch up on sleep, I was guzzling caffeine as fast as I could get my hands on it and spending hour after hour hunched over my books and papers trying to figure out how on earth I was going to get all of this into my brain. As much as I hate to admit it, perhaps the semester was so difficult because I didn't have a religion class and never had the time to attend institute. Spiritual nourishment is not something to belittle.
And now? Summer's been over for months, ice covers the ground, sidewalks, and streets, and i'm on the cusp of starting my last full semester at BYU. Pretty exciting eh? But in retrospect, I've learned a lot this last year. About myself and about life.
Some of you may know that I spent a good year bitterly heartbroken. The heartbroken bit only lasted probably seven months or so, which isn't much considering the 4.5 years I had convinced were "wasted" on someone who gave up on me. but the bitterness part lasted for much longer. You know, moving around so much when I was younger (six times by the time I was 12) I never really had a good sense of home. Home was just where we lived. It was my family that was important. And even when I went to college that didn't change. Home is partially where you live... but its mostly where people love you. If I'm somewhere that I can make friends... I'm somewhere I can feel at home.
But really... I thought I was mostly grown up by the time I left Disney... I didn't realize how much I'd really changed... and I've changed because of all the wonderful people around me. My internship coworkers and my crewmates at work have helped me realize how much I can accomplish, both creatively and physically. I'm strong and smart and what I have to say matters. The CP's at Disney helped me open up a lot. I don't think I've ever become so close to anyone in so short a time as I did down there. But it was almost out of necessity. The job was so physically and emotionally demanding that we couldn't help but cling to eachother for support and comfort during the brief respites backstage. And this last semester from Hell was really the one where I learned how important it is to accept that there are times when I need help and that it's okay to ask for it.
I know these seem like obvious things, and I know I knew them intellecutally long before my twentieth year began, but it's the actual process of accepting them and realizing them that really matters. I'm the first one to admit I've had a sketchy past and that I'm jacked up just like everyone else... but that's sort of the point. Everyone has issues. If they deny they have issues, then they have issues with their issues. It's really a never-ending cycle. But when you come to terms with them and face them, that's the only way to grow.
I've grown a lot this year, in places that I probably didn't think I needed to... but in the end it was really great for me. So even though I've still got some of my year left... here are some of my resolutions for 2011, my twenty-first year.
I'm going to try to focus more on prayer. I'm going to try not to run myself ragged (although that one probably won't last very long) and I'm going to remember how to be grateful and look for opportunities to laugh at something that probably is something I should take seriously. But I have a nasty habit of taking things too seriously, especially in school. I'll tell you my last one, too. I'm going to try to be a realistic dreamer. Or a romantic skeptic. Whichever works out better. Anyway... good luck in your 2011, whatever year that may be for you.

cheerio...

CMUMF

See?

2010-11-18T19:14:00.000-08:00

I pray you, sir, to open your own eyes,
Look about you at the things unspoken.
So to could see the truth from all the lies
And yet I know you wisely hide your token.
Seeking nothing save you seek to give it
But a prize of Consequences and doubt
The only prize that true life ever fit.
The only prize that knows us in and out.
Could you see the the light if dawn broke o'erhead?
Would your eyes meet your feet though flat the way,
And ears close out for fear the sirens said?
Will words fall short when there is much to say?
Upon my heart this thing did brand--
So love is key and love is grand

Welcome to my life...

2010-11-16T14:38:00.000-08:00

so this week has been absolutely insane... and i thought my life was going to get easier after thanksgiving... HAH! well... academically it is... it's just that i'm working all the time now. Yessir... it's that time of year again: BYU presents Christmas Around the World.
CAW really is a great show. it's interesting, "cultural" ( i put it in quotations because let's face it... BYU isn't very culturally diverse), loud, and festive. They do a show for kiddies in elementary school on Friday morning and there's a show friday night, saturday matinee, and saturday night. But all the work that goes into this show is seriously mind-blowing.
I"m not talking about the performers. Yeah yeah they practice and then they get to perform. we get it. But rest-assured that if they didn't have the techie crews to back them up... they'd look terrible. fo'sho.
just a note to anyone who has, is, or ever will work in a theatre: RESPECT THE TECHIES! they work probably twice as hard as you do. Rest assured, they love it. But seriously. show some respect. Let me give an example of this show in particular.
I've spent about 35 hours on this show in the last 4 days. And i will put in a lot more by the time we're done. and i didn't even go to work on tuesday. sheesh i'd have overtime already if i went in on tuesday. But we have to get in, get the truss put together, uprig the points, hang the lights in the grids, gel and power everything, patch it in so that it can be programmed, power on the floor, raise the trusses, man the hazer, focus, help set up other things in any way we're asked to, gaff everything down so no one trips, falls, and dies. put dutavene on the roadcases, know where all of our equipment is, and of course supply spotlight operators for the show. and that's just set up and the show. striking the show usually takes about 5-6 hours, but we can't start until the dancers are off the floor after the first performance. So usually were out of the marriott center by about 3 am. very early sunday morning.
This week has been sort of funny though. Saturday when we were doing load in, i got a bruise from doing uprigging. Monday when i was at work i jammed my toe running down the stairs of death at the marriott center. i don't think it's broken cuz i can walk on it now, but man that sure hurt at the time. then yesterday while we were gaffing and finishing the setup, Collin and I had to move a freaking Christmas tree and it gouged me. I've got scratches and scabs on my forearm now. So i've litterally been battered, bruised, and bloodied this week. YEAH now that's a REAL job. hahaha. i love my job, though. I feel useful. I can read a plot, set the hang, and power in the grid all by myself. I can also downrig and help uprig whenever anyone needs it. And i'm a good follow spot. For those of you who aren't familiar with follow spot... it's easy to learn but hard to master. You have to be quick and paying attention all the time and be able to read your target well, sort of like shooting a rifle, but with a light beam instead. It's sort of an art-form.
I've been at this job for nearly two years and i love it love it love it. I'd much rather be a techie than a dancer. for serious. but honestly i think that the techies and programmers put way more time into this than the performers do. we're the first ones here and the last ones home. But somehow we get it all done and manage to be students at the same time. go figure.
so if any of you go to see CAW this year... you're welcome for making it awesome. and if any of you are performing in it? Buckle up for load out because my crew will be the supervisors for all you dancers that are there to help out. The more you complain, the worse the job we give you. Yes we are evil, but you're evil for not being ready to go so that we can end on time. heh heh heh
Merry Christmas everyone!
Pray for me.
lol :D

Semesters that will Hurt you...

2010-11-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

So i've basically been a basket case this semester, as made apparent by my last post explaining my insanity. And it looks like things aren't going to get much better...
I went to the VA office this morning when i got off of work. apparently they only cover classes/credits that go toward your major. minors don't count. many of you know that i was planning on applying to be a film minor next semester. i think it would be totally fun! plus i have my own cooking show on youtube, i know basic video editing software, i'm a lighting tech for IT events which include broadcast lighting, and i did a scriptwriting internship for a year. i'm basically a film major without taking all the classes. SO i'm wondering if i should or not...
I'll have 6 months of benefits left by the end of next semester (if i use next semester as benefits at all) and i'd like to use them. i mean if i'm going to qualify for a scholarship like this then i better darn well use it all.
So now back to the turn of the tide... do i graduate in august or not? I had just come to peace with being in provo for another two semesters and graduating in april 2012... but now i'm not so sure. i mean for serious i could graduate in august, try to get an internship or a job or go teach in china for a while, apply to grad school for the following year so i have a little bit of a break inbetween. i could even join the airforce or something so that they would pay for grad school and i could be an officer and work for intel for a while. i'd be totally okay with that! i mean that was my original plan anyway. i could also put in my mission papers in the winter and go on a mission right after i graduate from BYU. i'd also TOTALLy be okay with that.
and maybe all this thinking and impressions about marriage is just a point in my life where i need to accept the fact, but not the time for it to actually happen. You know, like this is the day of our probation and we're Latter-day saints, so we're in the last days, but that doesnt mean that the end of the world is going to happen in two months. its been steadily declining since 1820... but nevertheless it hasnt happened yet.
so i'm just really confuzed. and i've tentatively reverted back to my plan, which means next semester is going to hurt. I've got 16.5 credits lined up. granted i could drop weight training and just do 16 but i kinda really want to do weight training. the 16.5 credits also include chinese 202 which is the second half of the 201 book i have now,,, grated i'll have a much better teacher next semester. also two grad-level linguistics courses in socio and psycho linguistics cuz they're both only offered in the winter semester. the only thing that's different is that i have the intro to film class in my schedule right now instead of the religion class i was going to take. which makes it 16.5 instead of 15.5. I know i can do it... with a little help from the Lord, just like this semester. plus going into chinese 202 straight from 201 is going to be a MUCH smoother transition than a whole summer without chinese jumping from 102 to 201. SO I know what i'm in for. Probably won't work much next semester, but that's a sacrifice i'm willing to make. especially if i'm here all summer taking classes. i don't know
this post is mostly so that i can dictate out to myself what my options are. its just helps to put words onto a page sometimes, you know? and maybe all this rearrangement is to show me that i DO have options and that i Do have a choice in my life. i'm running my life, my life is not running me.
but i feel good about this at the moment, i'm not quite sure if its right or not, but i'm excited about it at the moment... so give me a few days at least before you ask me about it. things are just sort of crazy right now...
anyways...
cheers!

uh oh... i'm awake again... its 4 am.

2010-10-27T03:46:00.000-07:00

Sleep is a wonderful wonderful thing... when i can actually catch it. But that's okay because sometimes i write the best things at 4 am or so. That's usually when i can finally shut out the world and actually concentrate on what's going on in my life. There's something magical about 4 am. It's quiet in my apartment for once. Peaceful almost. I'm wrapped in a blanket sipping a steaming mug of blueberry tea and watching the snow fall outside. I watched it from my window before I got out of bed, too. Snow has a way of silencing things. Making them quieter. Hushing the world outside. Muffling all the voices and thoughts that stifle your airflow, even on a good day. Maybe the reason i've been so conflicted in the last 9 weeks is that i never bothered to be awake at this hour until now. This hour, when i can actually think.
If you hadn't noticed from my latest posts, i like to plan. i've always liked to plan. i plan my life, i plan my day, i plan my hours, i plan my thoughts. Its sort of like my security blanket. I know what i'm doing and i know i'm on the road to accomplish that which i've set out for me to do. its satisfying. However, i always seem to be in a rush.
which is why this coming semester is going to be a new experiment in actually trying to be normal. my plan? defenestrated. (which for you word nerds means thrown out a window). I'm thinking maybe i'm supposed to focus on actually living my life, not just going along for the ride.
I don't know who all is reading this, and i'm not sure if anyone is going to label me as foolhardy for writing something religious on the internet, but i'm going to say it anyway. I'm going to tell you a story.
I push myself. I've always pushed myself, mostly because I know i can handle it. I've never taken less than 15 credits in my entire college career, i've always had a plan, i've always followed that plan and modified it as new information has come my way to get maximum efficiency out of my life. But this semester? well, this semester i've just about hit the wall. out of the 8.5 weeks we've been in school, five of those weeks were spent being a basketcase. I was slipping. I couldn't handle it. That was a hard bit of humble pie to swallow. I couldn't sleep, i would eat sporatically inbetween bouts of studying when i remembered, and i never seemed to do all my assignments correctly every time. when i contemplated using caffeine during the day to keep me awake and nyquil at night to help me sleep, i knew i was overloaded. So, i began to pray.
I asked my Father for a helping hand. i told Him that I had finally bitten off more than i could chew and i was in dyer need of some help. I didn't want to have an anxiety attack and have all my hard work go to waste. I needed someone to take my hand and lift me up before i fell off the edge that i was flirting with. I spent many nights in tears pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father. And He answered.
Suddenly, my work became easier. Class was mysteriously cancelled when we got a work order for the Hinckley Center (that i'm in charge of.) When i needed to study, i had three or four of the guys on my crew volunteer to run it for me. I ran into old friends. I got more smiles and hugs from the people on my floor. I went to an opera, and to Thunder Drums of China.
At the end of five weeks of being a basket case, I was blessed with two weeks of kindness and love. I can still feel the anxiety brewing deep in my chest, but its lighter than it used to be. In the last two weeks i don't think i've really prayed and asked for anything except to help me sleep well and that my roommate would get over her cold. everything else has been gratitude. I asked for one hand to lift me up. I received many. I asked for help, and i got more than i ever thought possible.
Sure, it's still been tough, but i can handle it now. But that doesn't mean i havent learned my lesson. Next semester i'm going to take it easy. I've been pushing myself way too hard for way too long. For pity's sake i'm not even 21 and i'm already worried about things too far in the future to even see. Sure, i could have my masters degree by 22 and my PhD by 25, if i wanted. but if i had a PhD at 25, what would there be left to do?
when someone asks me about my life, i dont want to tell them all my graduation dates. I want to tell them where i've been, what i've learned, how i've grown, what i've seen, and who i've loved. I want to have adventures every day.
and so maybe, just maybe, i will.

Spinning Arrow...

2010-09-09T10:06:00.001-07:00

So, my dear readers, I'm in the middle of a complete reconstruction of my life. 'the plan' has changed so drastically so many times that I'm now wondering what exactly I'm getting myself into. So... here are the plans as they currently stand:
Plan A:

Fall/Winter at BYU
Sp/Su at BYU
Graduate august 12, 2011

Plan B

Fall at BYU
Winter teaching English in China
Summer at BYU
Winter at BYU
(probably) graduate December 17, 2011

Plan C

Fall/ Winter at BYU
Sp/Su Jerusalem Center
Winter (part time) At BYU
Graduate December 17, 2011

So... plan A works great. It really does. Get's me all set, I can go on a mission before grad school, I could also come home from a mission and then teach english in china and i could get salaried since i'd have my BA already and make some money as well as gain good experience with it. Plan B works... though it's sort of fuzzy seeing as I'm not entirely sure what classes I can take and then get credit for while i'm in china and then what classes are available during fall that i can take so that i can graduate... okay so plan B isn't looking so hot right about now...but it would be fun nevertheless and i could go on my mission before i graduated from byu... that's like a plan B.1 or something...
And then there's plan C which sounds completely amazing!!! and i'd be able to pay for it myself expecially if i got help from my scholarship... it would work. and i'd get some really interesting real world experience over in Jerusalem. I could study hebrew since i'd already be done with chinese... though i'd have to keep up with my chinese. then i could graduate and go on my merry way to a mission and then grad school after that.
so here's another reason that option B isn't sounding so good... There are a few papers I've written/am writing that I would really like to get published as an undergrad. Both are in April. One is at Harvard, where i'd hopefully be going to present my senior thesis that is in the works as we speak, and another is working on a paper with one of my professors to go to a Corpus lingusitics conference in alabama in april. Which would also be amazing. The one in Alabama, if i got accepted, would be phenominal, because the fact that i got accepted would mean publication. and you know the old adage "Publish or Perish." I really want to get these papers out there, not only because hey i want the recognition so that i can get to a great grad school program and be prominent in my field, but also because the papers i'm writing are new topics, and haven't been researched to any sort of degree really.
Wouldn't that be absolutely fantastic? If some day, an undergrad were researching one of these topics and referenced me because I was one of the early researchers of the topic? AH! that would be so very cool.
so option B is not really looking viable at the moment... but still it's something. I really want to go to the Jerusalem center... and maybe I'll apply for fall at the jerusalem center as well... that way maybe i can get all my credits out of the way and just not apply for graduation until after i get back...
i know that i'd really rather graduate in august or april... seeing as those are the times at BYU that you actually have a convocation. My high school graduation was so small that i'd kind of like to have some pomp and circumstance for when i graduated with my BA... as shallow as that sounds.
SO i guess what i'm really trying to say is... help! what do you think?

Growing Up

2010-08-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

Let me just preface this entry by saying that there are very few people that I know that I consider "grown up." This is really just my ranting, after all, my own personal Babel, but that's what you like about it, right?
Thought so.
Moving on...
So what makes a person "grown up" anyway. When you're a kid it seems so easy. A grown up is 'grown up'. that's all that matters. they're much older and much taller than you. When you get to middle school then it's the whole "oh, real mature" or "you're so immature!" don't you miss those days?... not. That's when you start realizing that it's time to grow up. I know, I know, I sound like the Wendy Kill Joy from Peter Pan... taking you away from Neverland.
but honestly. I worked Crowd Control at Walt Disney World over the summer. Which was rough, let me tell you, but it was also I think what I needed. Going to the UK on a study abroad or being at home working at the mall for the summer wouldn't have taught me as much about growing up, about being the best me that I can be.
You see... when you work Crowd Control, you get a lot of crap thrown in your face. People resent authority and we were the enforcers. We really were just trying to make everything as convenient as possible, but of course what's convenient for the whole isn't so much for the individual... especially if they have attitude. But the greatest part about that was that once we got off stage, away from the swearing, the threatening, the repeating yourself a hundred times, and getting run over by strollers of death and ECV's.... once we got away from all that, we just didn't do that to eachother. I mean there was some sort of disagreements and miscommunications, you can't escape that when you're dealing with people in general. but there wasn't really any drama. sure we teased each other, but we were so tightly bonded that nothing could really tear us apart.
And that made me realize that, like so many other things, when we're in the middle of our worst trial, that's when we find the most love. The best companionship. The most opportunity to stop being shy and awkward about tiny clauses of the social contract and just be yourself! I used to believe that people who got mad were brave. That the fact that they could show anger in a controlled manner meant that they were brave enough not to be a doormat and let the situation stomp on them. But now I realize that it's less about being brave and more about knowing who you are and where you are.
Growing up is about that too. Knowing who and where you are in life. When you know who you are, you accept yourself. And when you know where you are in life, you can let go of all those issues and fears that hold you back from being the best self you can ever be. I know letting go of those things can be scary. Because sometimes there's a part of yourself that is more comfortable with pain than with change. Pain at least is familiar. But when you get to the place where you can let go of that pain and allow yourself to actually be happy. That's when the blessings will come pouring down. That's when you will be who you've always wanted to be. That is when you will be the strongest and the most able to deal with whatever life decides to throw at you.

What if we just stopped fighting ourselves and surrendered the the fact that we can build our own future. That it's a choice. It's always a choice. and we can make the most of it.

We the People

2010-07-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the Hall of Presidents at Magic Kingdom. It was a good insight into the building of the nation and the different leaders that the people are in search of during times of need, crisis, and change. But honestly, it was sort of eye-opening for me.
The Presidential Oath of Office is very short, only 35 words or so. But the main point of the Presidential Oath is to swear by all that they themselves hold to be of worth, that they will uphold the Constitution of the United States of America.
I'm not particularly partial to any political party. I find party politics to be more about pushing agendas than upholding standards. However, I am a firm believer in the Constitution. I've studied it, read it at least half a dozen times from Article I to the 27th Amendment, and really believe that it is the one thing that has held this country together throughout all the wars, all the politics, all the economic troubles, and terrorism. It is a document that we as Americans should be sworn to protect, not just our President.
Honestly, I believe that the day people speak out against the Constitution is the day that this country will fall apart. I'm wary of anyone who seeks to put new amendments to the Constitution. I understand why most of them are there. But isn't there a way to make something a federal law without it going into the Constitution? Like Prohibition. It was made amendment 18, and amendment 21 had to come along and repeal it. Stop messing with the constitution people! It's about the GOVERNMENT not about the POLITICS. When is that distinction going to be recognized? or should I say remembered?
I don't mean to preach. I really don't. But I believe that if we could find someone, anyone, who was president or ran for president and got elected, that really believed in the Constitution, that we could return to the original organization that this great country was founded upon. Whatever happened to the American dream? No matter where you're born, no matter what circumstances, or situations in which you were raised... you can always make it. You can get an education and build up a life for yourself that you never could have achieved otherwise. What happened to the "hard work" part of earning a good life for yourself? But no, ever since the Great Depression, and ever economic trough since, it's been the Government giving the people what they want.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for helping out people who really need it. But with all the bull that goes on with welfare programs and people working the system, knowing that they can get paid as much on welfare as they can getting a part-time job at minimum wage... well it just makes me ashamed that my hard-earned money is going to a bunch of free-loaders.
The Constitution is about Government. How to run it, how to escape the Human Predicament (which is the constant flux between Anarchy, Tyranny, and Rebellion), and what it's boundaries are. Our Central government is too big and our state governments aren't strong enough. Everything goes to the Supreme court. Everything goes to the Feds. Everything traces back to Congress or the Whitehouse and what agenda they happen to be pushing at the moment.
I'm ranting, I know. but honestly? I wish I had the voice and the power and the knowhow to help people remember their roots. The Constitution and the American Dream. Where have they gone and why are they not so important anymore? I wish they'd come back. I really do. I think it would save us faster than socialism... which is where we're headed.

mister

2010-07-07T12:49:00.001-07:00

My life is amazing. Seriously. I have a million friends that love me. I love my friends. They are absolutely amazing. I've met people from all around the globe. I speak 4 languages rather proficiently, I might add. I work at Disney World, I have incredible roommates that I am extremely fortunate to know. One professor wants me to write a film novel for an independant director that I worked for over the last year. I'm working with another professor on getting a paper I wrote published. I have ambition, I know I can accomplish anything I really set my mind to. Most days, I'm very happy and satisfied with my life. But when I'm alone... well, these days it seems that when I'm left alone I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I've had pretty much every sort of relationship that you can think of: The friend/boyfriend/friend/boyfriend complex, the break up and get together eight times before it finally ends, the one where he cheats on you, the one where he's gay, 'why not?', your friends pushed you together, and the 'what the hell just happened?'. I've had it all... except the one that really matters.
don't worry, I'm not marriage crazy. Really, I'm not. My brothers are both getting married this summer, one in may and one in a week. I'm definintely not marriage crazy. I'm still not prepared for that. but for once I'd just like the relationship where there's no games, there's no rush or confusion. One where he's honest with me, he's right for me, and I get to fall for him over time... a long time.
I guess it's really hard to find a guy that's a good priesthood holder, smart, ambitious, and my best friend. I guess I'm too picky :-P
guys really drive me nuts though. I guess it's hard for them sometimes, what with the world the way it is... either you get the peter priesthood or the crazy jack mormon. there's not too many moderates anymore. what is it with guys and bad senses of humor, or being super awkward or being utterly obsessed with video games? or not taking care of themselves and expecting you to be their mommy.
sorry for the ranting, i really am just frustrated. but really. i'm looking forward to the day when i finally find that guy that doesnt stress me out every time i see him, but rather makes me feel like me. and that i'm awesome and i dont need to do anything to impress him or anyone else for that matter.

dear mr. right: are you out there?

Constants

2010-05-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

The only thing you can really count on, is change. Everything changes and everything is supposed to change. that's what it was made for! Could you imagine your personality not changing from when you were 3 years old? Or perhaps even when you were 12? 16? 18? You can count on change. change is change. it doesn't come about as 'good' or 'bad' it is only what you make of it. If you let it help you grow, then it's good. if you let it get you down, then it's bad.
growing up military, I've seen a lot more change of scenery than most. And I've seen the growth in myself. I've become outgoing, while guarded, and observant, while boisterous. I like being a contradiction, but sometimes I wonder if I really know who I am. But then I can sit back and smack my forehead and say "of course you know who you are, dummy. You're a daughter of a loving God," and be done with it. The fact is, I am a contradiction. I can change from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye because I can embody both. I'm an adapter. A survivor. That's the only reason I've managed to make it this far in life without a complete mental breakdown.
But everything does change. and i mean everything. I think that the only constant thing is yourself. Some might argue that friends are constants or that family is constant, and i'd have to disagree. Friends move on, friends fall into different circles, friends come and go. and family? well, even without divorce, drama, and death, family can still change. There's weddings and babies, there's retirement and moves. Heck, both of my brothers are getting married this summer and two years ago I was staying at home learning how to be the mom of the house because my mom started grad school. When I left to go back to school, my dad had to learn quite a bit as well. Everything always changes. it'll never be the same again. the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can actively make changes in your life and be ready for when those hurricanes of unforeseen disaster hit.
I guess Emerson, as crazy as he was, had one thing right : self-reliance is the way to go. Emerson talks about trusting your innervoice above all else and speaking your mind because no one can tell you not to. I'm not quite that extreme but I have to agree that you should rely on something constant, and your very self, is constant.

Magic

2010-05-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

you ever get that feeling that just sends goose-bumps down your limbs? or saw something that made your eyes prick with tears and you weren't really sure why? well, i've had a bit of that the last few days.
last night, i worked the spectromagic parade. and after that is wishes fireworks. Okay, even though i know how it works i still think it's freaking awesome how tinkerbell flies from the top of the castle to tomorrow land. i don't even want to think about the zip line. and the fireworks with the music? so awesome. Its just really cool to see the looks on these tiny faces as the little kids look up at the fireworks or the parades. and the best part is that i get to play games with them :D
i got to do flag retreat today too. It's a whole TAPS ceremony with the pledge, the anthem, and God Bless America. The band plays, the dapper dans sing, and we honor a veteran with the flag that we take down each day. it's really cool. very military. which is probably why i like it so much.
anyway. life is pretty freaking awesome lately. I love my job, i love working, i love playing around, i love my roommates, and florida weather has been pretty nice for the last few days. but the best part? i've really gotten to see the Lord in my life recently. Okay, so i 've been worried that not being able to go to church some sundays and having to work a lot of sundays would sort of wear me thin in the spiritual department. but the last few days i've really felt like He's watching out for me. I got to clock out half an hour early on Sunday. Which was really awesome. That's half an hour that i wasnt breaking the sabbath. Last night, i got invited to go to waffle house by a few of the other CP's here after our PAC shift. Which was great to make a few friends! and this morning, out of no where, someone from work texted me and offered to take a shift that i needed to get rid of so that i could go to Ryan's wedding. WOW. i've been thanking the Lord all day for that one! let me tell ya!

anyway i guess what i'm trying to say is that when you keep your chin up, you get to see the sunrise.

~wow~

2010-04-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning, we woke up and made an amazing breakfast. Then we watched Where the Wild Things are. Then, Brian dutifully drove us to the airport. five hours later, we landed in orlando, got a shuttle to our hotel, ate a very late dinner, bought some chili and some muffins, and went to sleep. We then woke up, had the continental breakfast, went back to bed for 3 hours, had a lovely pj party, hosted our own relief society, watched a chick-flick, and waited for our two new roommies to show up.
then we woke up, got ready, had breakfast, somehow fit our luggage into the shuttle car, and DROVE TO DISNEY!!! we're all checked in now. we're in a 3 bedroom, 6 person apartment. There's 2 bathrooms! and a lovely kitchen, pots and pans included. there's a wallgreens about a block away and a walmart down the road a bit. not far at all. we went to chick-fil-a for lunch after getting fingerprinted and metting a bunch of awesome people! tonight, they're hosting a free showing of avatar in one of the other apartment buildings. popcorn included! tomorrow night is a block party complete with mock-tails. YESS!!!
plus tonight we've already invited an apartment from downstairs to come play werewolves with us after the movie. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AWESOME SUMMER!
even though some 'pixies' that are rather wild-things decided to unleash confetti-pixie dust into our suitcases before we left. after getting shoveled around on the plain... pretty much everything we own was completely engulfed in glittery stuff. we then had to sweep it out of our room. i feel like it's like bsu smurf turf... it's gonna haunt us all summer long, possibly for years to come we'll still be finding it somewhere in our clothes... thanks guys... really... ugh.
but honestly our apartment seems totally amazing and i can't wait to get to work!!
AHHH!!! life is soooo good right now.
cheers!

Dodging Labefaction

2010-04-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well, it's over. I can barely believe it myself, but I survived. More than that, I survived with flying colors. Let's take a look at my semester:

6 classes for a total of 18 credit hours.Those hours consisted of 2 Linguistics classes, 2 Generals, Chinese 102, and my Internship
My Internship. It was more like a job some weeks and yes I did have nights when I was up until 4 am waiting for things to be emailed to me so that I could format it and get it to Maddy by 6 am when she was waking up. But we got a lot accomplished and I must say I'm proud of what I know based on that.
A job. A job that I love, a job that I adore, but a time consumer and a stress producer nevertheless.
A calling. Okay so this one wasn't so bad. But I did get bumped up from VT supervisor to VT leader, which has more responsibilities.

Honestly. If you can say you've done all of that and survived with friends? Then you're a pretty amazing person. and you're INSANE!! what on EARTH did you do THAT for???

I had a dream a few nights ago about being in an interview for Grad school and they were commenting on the fact that they had other applicants with a better GPA than me and what made me more qualified to be accepted into the program than they? My response was as follows... more or less. I took out the parts that were dream-logic.
Show me someone with a perfect GPA. Then show me someone who has taken less than 15 credits any or every semester. Then show me someone who has done it in less than 4 years. Then show me someone who had a scholarship. Then show me someone who kept a job, even though the scholarship covered their living costs, because they wanted to save and to earn their keep. Then show me someone who found time to volunteer and serve in their Church. And if you can find me one person, one person who has done all of that and kept a perfect 4.0 GPA, then answer me one last question. Do they have friends? If the answer to that is yes as well, then that person and only that person is qualified above me based on GPA to be accepted.

I really have been thinking a lot lately though, about my life and about what I've done and about what I'm going to do in the next four years. I mean, I graduated early from high school, I'm going to graduate early from College, I'm going to be an RM with a MA in Linguistics by the time I'm 24. And I have friends that care about me and I really care about them. I've had a job since I was 16, and I've worked really hard for all the money I have.
My life is full. And I really like it that way.
The only obstacle that I'm worried about is what happens when my life slows down? I mean, honestly I don't know what to do with myself on long afternoons when I have no homework and no work to do because I've already done it. I guess I've gotten myself into a place where if I'm not psychotically busy that I'm not sure what to do. I don't remember how to do nothing and enjoy it. :D
but that's what I'm hoping this summer will be. I'm working at DisneyWorld in Florida and I really can't wait. It's only a few days away and I can't even imagine it yet! I'll be so glad to just take a break. Just work and work at a job that I love and come home and cook and have no worries. I just want to re-learn how to relax this summer. Because my life is going to pick up and keep going full speed ahead after that.

Wish me luck!!

Crunch Time

2010-04-09T20:43:00.000-07:00

大家好!
So, its getting to be that time of the semester that i love the most and also hate the most: Finals! Finals means that the semester is almost over and i can taste the sweet, sweet freedom that is looming just beyond my reach. This semester, my "trunkiness" as a missionary would say, is especially bad, considering i have 15 days left in utah. and less than that if i decide to go with my brother to idaho to visit for a few days before i fly out. it's not a long drive and i like to visit in boise. i have friends there at least. and i know fun things to do :D boise is sooo much more entertaining than provo. ugh. provo.
anyway. but it is crunch time. i have a lot to do and a lot to study. but it's okay because i know it'll be over soon! Hallelujah!! but i really do have a lot to do. Like i've got work tomorrow, monday, and tuesday all day. Plus i have a bio exam on monday and my chinese final monday and tuesday. then i have a girls trip to Park City, then rock climbing and a BBQ for my work crew. then exams exams exams!
AND THEN I"M FREE!!!!!

so wish me luck... hoping i don't go too insane and i survive yet another crazy psychotic week.
Cheers

cate

Passive Agressive

2010-03-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

Personally, I have two functions... Passive and Agressive. I find being Passive aggressive is petty, not useful, irritating, and irrational. Probably because many people who are passive aggressive are, in fact, highly manipulative.
Passive is a kind form. This is a quiet self, a forgiving self, a peaceful self. However, this is also a personage who is easily walked on and usually is subject to manipulation and influence by others, positive or negative.
Aggressive, is a dangerous form. Aggressive is the blunt, open, loud, un-retractable evidence of your opinion, beliefs, thoughts, actions etc. This is not a form that I personally like to come out often, and more often than not I do not let this part of me out. It takes a lot to light my fuse, but once you do, it is, unfortunately, rather short.
Probably because of my religion, forgiveness and peace nearly always come out before anger, frustration, and aggression. However, there is a straw that breaks the camel's back. There is a point where you can't carry your luggage anymore and so you throw it at someone's head. The trick is to unpack your luggage or unload the camel before you ever reach that point, however closure is such a rare commodity these days.

so here's to aggression. may it never come between friends and may it never destroy that peace that you've worked so hard to accomplish. Release the tension before it turns into a blow-out.

cheers.

"Oh I'm on my way to Believing..."

2010-03-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

Most of you who know me, know that I'm afraid of marriage. Well, at least that's the phenotype of a hidden genotype. And, I'd like to decode and expand on that genotype.

I suppose it's on my mind because of the Focus on the Family symposium that I worked all last weekend, as well as going to a Spanish Family Ward, as well as seeing new developments in romance happening to my friends. Don't worry, I haven't been brainwashed by BYU into being completely marriage obsessed and spouse-hungry. No, haven't fallen into that rut yet... thank goodness. But I've really been thinking of my perspective on things lately.

Honestly, since it really hit me that I may/ will be married someday, I've had this overwhelming fear. It's not a fear about marriage, per say, but rather a fear about my husband. Since I was about 17, I've been completely petrified that if/when I do get married, that my husband will leave me. That thought scares me more than I care to admit. I know I'm strong and I know I could get through it, but nevertheless, a betrayal like that would cut me deep. I know it's an irrational fear, and I know that it really has no precedence, seeing as my immediate family is healthily dysfunctional. But I've seen it happen, in and out of the Church.

But even that fear aside.... (I'm sure if I were truly madly in love that fear would dissipate) I've noticed a lot recently that I'm not so afraid of marriage, but rather afraid of losing drive. I like to plan. Anyone who's talked to me recently can tell you all about how I've concocted this brilliant plan where I get my MA before I turn 23. I like this plan. I like it a lot. I also really like that a mission is still foremost in my plans, either directly before, or directly after grad school. Which means I'll be 24, an RM and holding an MA. That's really young to be able to accomplish all of that. I'm ambitious. I'm vivacious. I want to accomplish things, to be someone, to do something with my major and my studies and all my hard work. But the only problem is that whenever I picture this successful, powerful, well-off woman, I see her without a band on her finger.

And okay, yeah, marriage is intimidating because I don't quite know how to plan for it. I don't know how or when or where I may/will get married. I don't know where we'll be or how much debt we'll be in, or how long/ if I'll have to support him through the rest of his degree... I like being in control of my life. But at the same time I don't want my life to run me. I want to run my life. I don't want to do everything I ever dreamed of and when I finally have a chance to breathe, I wake up one morning to find myself 30 and single...

That... and Okay, I'm not going to pretend that I don't have some luggage. I've worked really hard over the last year to make it as light as possible and unpack a lot of crap and paranoia and anger out of it... but there's still traces. I guess I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of... falling in love again or being alone the rest of my life...

I dunno. I guess right now I'm at the point where if it happens, if i fall in love, great. And if not? Well I've got TONS of adventures ahead of me. So no worries... right?

It's like that Paramore song: "Up until now, I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. Because none of it was ever worth the risk... Well, You are the only exception..."

Frabjous Day

2010-03-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

SO! let's just make a list... shall we?

1. woke up on time
2. my professor really likes my prospectus and if i do it right he'll help me publish it
3. my professor introduced me to a girl in my class who is also trying to go to the UK for grad school.
4. This same girl gave me a website for international students to study abroad in the UK. They have a 100% placement rate. oh and it's totally free by the way. And Essex is on there.
5. It was bright and sunny this morning.
6. I got all my homework done faster than i thought i would.
7. I got new tennis shoes for 13 bucks and they are very comfortable.
8. I'm working alot this week but it doesnt interrupt other plans
9. mama's coming on saturday! and i get to pick her up from the airport!
10. There was a random guy dancing in crazy tight pants in brigham square.
11. i figured out how to put my ipod back into english (was in chinese haha)
12. i'm going to divine comedy on friday night.
13. i had a mexican coke with lunch cuz the market across the street sells them now. :D
14. i fond a cheap hotel for erin and i for when we go to disney
15. 48 days until disney internship starts
16. i don't have to work until 2 am on saturday.
17. i'm totally graduating in 17 months.
18. i'm pretty sure the GI scholarship i have will carry through at least 6 months of grad school
19. even if the GI bill doesn't cover for grad school, if i keep saving like i have been, i can cover tuition for grad school by myself (so long as the exchange rate doesnt go up too much haha)
20. The devotional today was about how awesome women are. so there.

YEEEEEEAAAAHH... as my brother would say.
TODAY IS SO AWESOME!!!
OH FRABJOUS DAY! CALLOOH! CALLAY!

i chortle in my joy... maha.

More than the sum of the parts

2010-02-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

My roommates and I have recently invented a cooking show called "Campus Kitchen." As much fun as it is and as much as I absolutely LOVE cooking, I've really gotten a feel for how much cooking is like life.
It sounds hokey, I know, but when you think about it, it really is. Life can be as simple or as complicated as you want it to be. Life can throw you twists and frustrations like a pot boiling over or a crust being burned. But the best part about cooking, and life, is that it turns out to be so much more than the sum of its parts. I mean, think about it. Sugar and water taste great on it's own... but flour, raw eggs, baking powder and soda, oil, and cocoa powder...... not so much. but when you put them together correctly you make chocolate cake. which in my opinion is very tasty indeed.
And really, the key is the ratio of ingredients and the oven or the skillet.
The ratio of ingredients determines how well your deliciousness is going to be. How well-rounded are your ingredients? Are they from boxes you pulled out of the bottom of the pantry or are they borrowed from a friend? Do you make the same thing with the same parts over and over again? or are you confident and adventurous enough to try something completely new and out of the blue?
the heat is monstrously important. With some things, after you put it in the oven, you have to put it in the fridge to chill for a while. how many of us need a chill out break after a particularly stressful or frustrating week? but the point with the heat is that it changes your dish. It makes it better than it was before. it integrates flavors and changes texture and allows for chemical reactions that create something that is absolutely impossible without heat. the heat, i would submit, is perhaps not failure, but trial. Challenges face us every day, true, and they totally suck, true... but they also give us the chance to learn. A cook that has burnt her crust before or boiled over a pot of tomato soup once or twice is going to be extra careful and will know little tricks and tips to keep those mistakes from happening again. True, sometimes your cooking ventures utterly fail and you go hungry, having wasted time, energy, and ingredients, but you can always try again tomorrow and you WILL try again tomorrow. Why? because you have to eat to live. to really live, you've got to experience more than just your backyard.
so i submit: for your life to be full, let your stomach be full! Try, taste, cook, learn, and experience all you can. Face challenges, chase after them. It is the challenges that will turn you from sugar, flour, water, oil, and baking powder and soda; into a marvelously delicious cake.

cheers.

Confidence

2010-02-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

I like to speculate. I like logic and reason to the point where I think of decisions as formulae and different factors as variables affecting the equation. Perhaps this works due to the fact that I am, like most Mormons, more concerned about doing what is right rather than doing what 'feels good' or other similar emotion-driven paths.
Though reason does come with it's inhibitions. For example, I am most certainly no perky optomist. I like to think of myself as a realist more than a pessimist, although some may refute that point time and time again. I do not believe easily, I do not feel easily, and I most definitely do not fall in love easily. However, I am happy. Because, I'm right. I'm nearly always right. At least when it comes to people.
The funny part of that, though, is that I'm often entirely wrong about myself, or I know what I must do, but lack the courage to open my mouth or to take a step forward into a new light.
Is it possible to be a dreamer and a realist at the same time? I am already a hefty set of paradoces all packaged up in a five foot three ball of fiesty... but I think I embody this one better than most.
Though reason offers me peace that I submit that few ever get to experience until they are much older, I do so like to dream. I like to feel, to pretend that I'm some other person when in reality, that is not what I really want. I'm like a little girl that wants to grow up to be a princess. Just because you find out that it's not possible, plausible, or desirable, doesn't mean that you stop playing the game. My dreams often involve myself, as the confident young woman that I see inside of me that I'm honestly too shy to let out. I wonder sometimes if I'm ever truly myself, but then I'm reminded that my Reality dictates much of what I learn and therefore much of who I am.
I share this topic, reader, because very recently I've had a few experiences where I speculated to the point where a logical, reasonable outcome was right in front of me. One that I both accepted and predicted, though this outcome was based on a formula of deduction and my own insight without any true information. Though I was silently confident in my equation and product, I was no where near the point of proclaiming my findings to the greater world. Much less to the person they were about.
However, to prevent secret combinations of games from ensuing on this unsuspecting and quite innocent person, I ventured to have a talk with them. Though none of my insights were part of the direct conversation, I kept them in mind while we were walking. Three sentences is all it took for me to realize that my first variable was indeed correct. Subtle hints and ten minutes later I was amazed. Everything was as it should be. My reason was not flawed. I was right. I had always been right.
This gave me confidence to press forward to the outcome that I already knew was coming. True, as anything imagined before it is performed, it did not go entirely flawlessly according to plan; but it did go according to my expectations.
Perhaps that is why only two tears squeezed to the surface. I was right. Pessimist or no, I was right. I had been prepared for this ending. Perhaps this was my superpower. I can tell about people. Mostly because I have experienced much in my short life. I have been compelled to grow up and to find responsibility much quicker than many my own age. I do not boast of myself, but I have been told before of my merits at such a tender age.
I know how people hide things, mostly because I've tried nearly every trick in the book. I know that people can be ashamed of the smallest and most trivial things. And I also know that we are all more similar to eachother than we'd like to admit. We all have our masks. We all have our walls. And we all have our demons. That's just part of being mortal.
That's just part of living.

Awesome Weekend

2010-01-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

Seriously, best. weekend. ever.
Friday, went on a double date. a redheaded double date :D my roommate erin and i sometimes pretend to be twins hahahaha we didn't this time since we actually knew the people that we were going with. but it was so awesome!!! we went to the planetarium, and then to the creamery. and then we went to macey's to get stuff for a girls night. we made virgin daquiries and had pizza and pineapple :D it was awesome. we stayed up 'till about 3 :D it was pretty awesome. Then Saturday i got to see Mare-bear and then i went to work AND THEN I GOT MY BOOK from the printer :DDDDDDD and then i went to work, then i went home and took marie to get a haircut and came home and hung out :D
THEN! sunday was my BIRTHDAY!!!! and it was seriously awesome. my roommates wrote "happy birthday" in chinese on the window and decorated and got balloons! and we went to church and my birthday was in all caps on the program :D and katelyn rounded up people and they sang to me and i blew out candles and they had poppers!!! and it was pretty much amazing!!!!!!!!!!! and they got me a GONZO PINATA!!!! but we haven't bashed the crap out of it yet hahahahaha. but we will!!!!!
it was a REALLY awesome birthday.
and now it's monday and we aren't playing ultimate frisbee cuz it's raining... but i'm sure i'll find something interesting to do today. :D

over and out!!! :D

Ianua

2010-01-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel like i'm stuck on a broken record... and each time it goes around, i find myself repeating the same patterns over and over... though this metaphor loses it's savor when you realize that while the pattern is the same, the accomplishments and learning curves are different every time.
yes, i'm talking about how there's a new semester! it has begun! again! hard to believe a year ago i was in this very city, doing the same thing. though i have a much larger cadre of friends and a much better idea of how to survive provo.
So... i've thrown all my logs on the fire. and no matter how hot it get's i'm keeping them all on this time. translation: i have 18 credits. yes, i know, i like to torture myself considering that those 18 credits include chinese 102, two linguistics courses, two generals, and an internship. pile that onto being social, trying to be healthy, and having a freaking amazing job. yeah... i've bit off a bit much, but i'm moderately sure i can chew it all.
BOISE STATE WON THE FIESTA BOWL!!! i was completely stoked about that... it was amazing!! that was basically the highlight of my week thus far. well... in the celebration sense i suppose. this guy i went on a few dates with last semester texted me around third quarter, asking me if i was watching. it was kinda nice to know he was 1. thinking about me and 2. that he remembered that i was a rediculous Broncos fan.
speaking of dates, my roommate "twin" and i are finally going on a double date next weekend!! we're going to the planetarium and it will be pretty awesome and will go very well (hopefully) lol. still got third-floor-harry-potter-puppy following me around... but i have great comebacks if he ever tries to... well... try anything.
BUT... i love my life. really. it's busy, it's crazy, my roommates are awesome, and classes aren't killing me yet. i have an awesome start to my year! and my semester.
my friend is going to give me a ride on his motorcycle for my birthday!!! YAYYYYY!!!! it's gonna be epic! i'm so excited hhahahaha. i'm such a nut i know...
well... as early as it is... i still have to get up rediculously early for 8 am class... so i will bid you a tender: si vales, valeo.

C. Mumf.

the end is near

2009-12-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

okay, so the end has already happened, basically. in the fact that in an hour and a half i will be making my presentation in my philosophy class after running by Elzinga's office to drop off my morphology exam :D FINALS ARE DONE!!! yes!!
and then of course after my presentation, i go home, make sure i have everything, and we're headed up to the airport at 2!!! i'm soooooo excited!!! i'll be home in about twelve hours!!!! i can't believe it!!

it's kinda weird when i think about it... cuz this semester is basically the beginning of my first "normal" college experience. I mean ... when you think about it... i spent my first year living with my gramma, then fall staying at home and working/going to HCC... and now i finally have an apartment with roommates that i'm going to keep all through next semester!! i am so glad i've got such awesome roommies. it's amazing that we get along so well considering there's 6 of us in a limited space.
so one of my roommates is a red head... and every week... no matter what... someone calls her Cate and me Erin. we look nothing alike except we have red hair and we live in the same apartment... so we have the same mannerisms. anyway so we were talking about how we were gonna pretend to be fraternal twins over the summer while we're at Disney. so petey was in on this... and when we were over at his appartment, his roommate Weston was giving us crap. so we ended up telling weston that we are twins. and he TOTALLY bought it!!! i mean seriously. he felt bad that he didnt know. LOL since it was so easy... we totally have to do it over the summer!! :D it was frikken hilarious. and petey enjoyed it since he was in on the whole thing. that was a good afternoon.
so i'll be home for two weeks! wewt! from the 17th to the 1st. and then next semester begins!! life is flying by! before i know it i'll be 20!!
and ryan's getting married in may! so many changes so fast!
but it really is an exciting time :D

that's all for now. i would tell you about my VERY interesting sunday... but that's a bit too crazy for a blog entry :D todloO!

So i'm pretty sure my life is trying to kill me

2009-11-30T22:27:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and no joke lol. i've got SoO much crap to do it's not even funny!!! normally, it really wouldnt be a problem... but seeing as Christmas Around the World is this weekend and i've already worked 20 hours in two days... and going to work probably another 5 or 6 tomorrow probably, which is awesome cuz money is good and i freakin love my job, but i've got a lot to do!!

okay, so setting the obsessive compulsive tendencies aside... My morphology assignment is pretty much done, i've just got to type it up, i can do chinese sentences during devotional tomorrow or immediately afterward, i can completely bomb tomorrow's syntax quiz and totally get away with it if that's the one i want to drop. and i've pretty much accepted that no matter what i'm getting a B in that class... so my grade will stay the same. But i've got to get the homework done but that's not due till thursday.
HOPEFULLY i'll make it to ultimate frisbee night on tuesday, i need some competition to cheer me up. i need to make it to the grocery store like no other.... but i've been eating out alot since i've been working alot. thank you five guys. you are the best. lol.

anyway. so yeah. social life is freakin rockin right now. i'm glad i have so many awesome friends. you make me smile :D and you make me remember why i'm still alive hahaha.

duile. zaijian!
ramblings of a superstressed crazy lil' redhead.

twists and turns...

2009-11-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

So, it's thanksgiving break and I've been thinking alot about my life lately. And yes, you may say that it is a bit depressing and perhaps overbearing that I basically have a 5-year plan... but my plan is very flexible! promise!
my current plan of action is as follows:
winter semester, summer disney internship, fall, papers, mission, come home, fall-winter, graduate with BA in Linguistics, go to grad school at Essex University, meet a british guy, get married, move to paris, attend courdon bleu.

okay, so i know that this plan is not really entirely plausible... but it is a dream nevertheless. and it would be freakin' awesome! Courdon bleu may be out of the picture completely, it is a rather vivid dream, and i can always learn how to cook on my own, though i might never be a chef. if i dont meet a british guy in grad school in essex, i'll just jump into work for the gov't and hopefully meet a guy some day... i mean i DO want to get married sometime and have a family of my own. if i dont get accepted to Essex, i'll apply to different grad schools or maybe i'll just jump into work for the gov't (or disney) and launch a career from there and go to grad school later. i DO want to go to grad school, but the timing might be off. And that is all of course dependent on what happens in the next year. seriously. twelve months. ALOT could happen. and it worries me a bit...
i mean, the only reason i wouldnt go on a mission is because i'm seriously involved with a guy. SO i could always have my papers handy in case that didnt work out... or start planning the wedding... oooh, scary. buuuuut. yeah. honestly if i was supposed to get married, i'd either have to meet him this semester or early next semester and date all semester, and then we'd have to still be strong while i was gone to disney all summer. and then we'd have to still be going strong all fall semester. around the year mark, that's when marriage wouldnt seem so scary. i hope.
i'm sorry i'm rambling. i'm just torn between reasoning with my original and quite extravagant plan and the extreme paranioa that i'm going to meet my eternal companion and just get married. not that getting married is a bad thing but for pete's sake there's stuff i wanna do with my life! ah well. maybe i can still go to grad school in Essex if he's up for it. any guy that would live and work in England just to put me through my dream grad school is definitely worth considering. and it would only be for a year.
again, sorry. i'm rambling probably because i'm paranoid. lol. but honestly whatever happens happens and the Lord loves me so I'm sure I'll survive.

ranting and raving
cmumf.

regrown

2009-11-09T21:41:00.000-08:00

I hate cliche's. Really, I do. I realize that, like everything, they have their place, but I truly despise them 99.999% of the time. For example, I loathe the cliche` of 'broken heart.' I have always twisted it into something I have thought more appropriate and more esteemable to my particular situation.
Avid readers will perhaps remember my entry about a year ago entitled 'dropped' where I described how a boy had dropped my heart while I wasn't looking. I've sought for a metaphor for another love trouble from six months back. It was difficult at first. The cliche` burned brightly when a heart problem that had not plagued me since I was a little girl suddenly came back. My heart wasn't functioning properly... it was literally broken. But as I have mentioned... i HATE cliche` ... so I have discovered a better metaphor. (forgive the bad grammar. it is meant to portray thought)

love burned bright in my heart. My imperfect heart kindled the fire until it emerged from the fierce refiner's fire. It emerged perfect, a glass heart. Bright, strong, clear, and beautiful. But an old enemy resurfaced and threw a dagger at my heart. My heart shattered. In a moment, it was gone. Silence deafened my ears. My pulse, my love, my fire, was gone.
whether by some grace of fate or simply by chance, i caught a single shard. it would not fit in my chest. The edges were like razors and the shape irregular. With no where else to keep it, i dragged myself far away from where the dagger was thrown and buried it deep. I slept by it, i waited by it. I fed it with my blood and tears. Finally, a sprout appeared.
it grew and flourished and brought forth red berries. I plucked them and ate them. The passion returned but in a new form. This fire was malicious. Anger shook through my veins and blurred my vision. My teeth grated together and i imagined dripping venomous fangs growing down over my lips and claws extending from my fingertips. Rage was a beast of near uncontrollable proportions. The tears dried up, but the anger ruled all thought. But the berries tasted so sweet i could not turn away.
Finally, i plucked all the red berries and crushed them in my hands. the gray juices spread across my hands and stained them but i didnt care. The tears returned and my heart-plant grew again.
It grew and grew and brought forth tiny blue fruits. These were sadness. One bite of these filling pods and my tears could not stop. the plant swelled with new life and the sadness fruits grew bigger and bigger. They were bittersweet and dark flavored and again i could not stop myself from eating them and weeping over the tiny green leaves each morning and each night.
But after a long while, i had no more tears left. The water dried up from me, even when i ate the fruit. the sadness remained, but the burden became easier. The sun came out. My little plant grew.
A bud formed near the top. It swelled in white speckled blue petals. I was amazed at how slowly and yet so gracefully it grew. Finally, as the leaves from trees covered the ground and the air turned icy cold, the bud was so large that the stem slumped. The bud struck the ground and opened. Inside was my regrown heart.
it was soft, not sharp like the shard. It was small and warm. Fresh with life, though it did not carry a pulse. I pressed it into my chest and felt the weight of caring once again. the anger was gone and the sadness lingered, but i could lift my head again. I was strong. I was whole again. Happy in my imperfect totality.
Smiles became more prevalent. I made friends. I had a heart. I could relate to people. I drew no attention to myself. And when the burden dissappeared and once again my heart became part of myself, i began to wonder. i began to look. and so i began to wonder about and look for the one that would grant me a pulse once again. Am i afraid? petrified. Absolutely terrified of losing my heart once again. But i know that a life devoid of the most essential emotion is no life at all.
without love an infant dies. Perhaps i will never recieve love, but by giving it, i have regrown and reawakened my heart.

Faith

2009-10-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Some may mock believers for their faith, for their dreams, for their unrationality and dimmed perspective on reality. This confuses me to no end. There are different types of faith and believing, and true some are folly, but in the end, the human spirit needs something to believe in... to hope for. This brings the sense of journeying, a goal to reach that is greater than one person can ever be.
Having faith has blessed me and having hope has hurt me at times, but I will not back down. I know my life is happier with the blessings of my faith than without it.

Reflection

2009-09-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

Reflections are echoes, memories of the past. They are interesting to study, but can never properly reproduce the original image. Somehow, some way, it is always flawed.
So, too, is the process of reflecting upon memories. Sometimes, thoughts intermingle with memories, adding to the image and bringing a sense of clarity. However, lost is that original ignorance or lack of insight that made that particular memory so very exquisite. Therefore, yet I do not seek to reflect upon memories, but rather reflect to discover what has happened within myself.
What have I become since I last wrote? Who have I learned from? To what end is this line of action leading me?
I have been very fortunate these last few weeks. So fortunate, in fact, that it has astounded me and surprises me still. But all the same I have felt lost. I have wondered what I have done to deserve these blessings, and perhaps it is not something I have done, but something that is protecting me.
Perhaps these blessings of prosperity have been the planks in the lifeboat that has been keeping me afloat in a sea of my fears. Mists still sneak up from the water and waves splash me and at times nearly overwhelm me, and yet I remain afloat. Instead of drowning in tears and fears, I am floating on fine faith. Faith that all will be well. And so I must wait and see.

Fall Fire

2009-09-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

Interesting, isn't it: the double entendre of heat. For one, it can symbolize damnation, pressure, stress, failure, etc. However, on the other hand, it can symbolize life, a delicious warmth that saves a soul from the unbearable frigidness of an icy tundra. So like fire, which can be both life and death. A perfect balance of symbolism. A perfect allude to context.

And so in such a place am I. Eighteen hours of academic credit is ambitious to say the least, and many have called me a fool today. However, I find that each class is like a log on the fire of my semester. Some are twigs, some are dry grass, and some are logs. Grass goes up in smoke immediately and I find myself struggling to keep up at the beginning, but before I know it, the workload is all but gone, giving me nothing but ashes to worry about. Twigs take a moment to catch and burn for a short time at a steady pace, but leave small embers of work and worry for me. Logs are large and cumbersome, but burn evenly and for a long time. These logs keep the embers hot all the way through finals.

My Fall Fire is burning brightly, though not out of control. The logs are supported by the ash and embers of twigs and grass and the heat is not overbearing. It is, rather, invigorating. And, if it needs be, I still have until Monday should I need to take another log or twig out of my semester. No worries. All will be well.

Unexpected Adventures are often the most fulfilling

2009-08-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

The rain is falling fast and cool against the new pavement of the parking lot down below. Lightning crackles and thunder rumbles through the air. My bags are packed and my things fill a corner of the living room. Only two more nights and I'll be moved into my correct flat. Until then the couch is my home. My head leans against the door and my lungs fill with the cool, wet air. I could use a good storm.
Storms have always made sense to me. I don't see them as depressing, or the sky throwing a brief tantrum, I see them as expressions of peace and cleansing. The wind, the water, the thunder, all of these things flawlessly coming together in a life replenishing moment. Beautiful.
I am pondering something this night. Indeed, I am pondering a multitude of things. But one thought in particular has been vexing me these few nights. An unexpected opportunity for an adventure has presented itself. I find my heart and my rational mind battling between delving in and staying on the shore. As of yet, I am still undecided, but perhaps as I kneel in prayers tonight, more things will become clear. After all, there is a storm out tonight.

Another Year begins...

2009-08-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

So here I sit, in a flat not my own, awaiting the week to commence with its adventuresome playfulness and bring me back into a former and familiar routine. Monday will bring a morning of solitude and an evening working with friends. The week will continue, day after day, with work from dawn until past dark, but much is to be learned as I sit atop my booth and bring light or darkness to a room.
As for the seven days to follow before instructions begin once again, I have not yet devised a plan. There are many possibilities. One could take a short trip to a beloved city north of here. One could just as easily stay and organize and take a week to enliven the soul and renew the senses. There is much to be done, make no mistake about that, however, there is also much not yet to be done.
The flat in which I am to reside is not yet open for me to enter. I look forward to meeting the new girls. I do so hope that friendship and not drama or scandal is to be found there. I also look forward to work as I have missed it these short summer months. There is do doubt paperwork to be filled out and people with which to speak. There are complications and hopes and rights that need to be satisfied. And yet all is as it should be.
Classes will be challenging, but I am filled with the excitement of a child. A bright and anxious joy from the knowledge that soon, something new will begin as another chapter of summer comes to a close. Everything indeed, will be new. New experiences, new people, new flat, new knowledge, and a new chance to be who I am.
What these next few months until Christmas Holiday will bring, I do not know. But I do know that I shall make it an adventure. Having one adventure a day keeps the spirit alive and the heart strong. Taking imagination and placing it into the perfectly ordinary consoles the soul and gives a brighter demeanor to that extraordinary smile.

So, here's to adventure: Cheers

This Summer

2009-08-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

Somewhere between working 39.5 hours six days a week for my work, realizing that I need to pack, and discovering that my entire summer vacation has pretty much passed without the aspirations for this summer actually occuring: I've realized a lot of things.

You can't always trust the ones you love, but you can always love them.
There are happy days, and there are pj's on the couch days. We all have them.
Smiling should be something you do because you want to do it, not because it is expected of you.
Don't be afraid of yourself.
Blessings come so long as you are ready for them.
Instead of focusing on the questions, look at the answers.
There's nothing a good sleepover with your best friend can't cure.
Kindness is just love with her workboots on.
Don't let people change who you are, be strong in yourself and change yourself.
Don't stir up trouble, even if it does distract the attention away from you.
Dance. It really does make you laugh.
Don't watch movies everyday... you'll get a massive headache.
If you look for friends who agree with you on everything, you're not going to have very many.
When someone hurts you, being angry just delays the sadness.
Roses are still the most wonderful things in the world.
Dare to dream.
Find a way to express yourself: music, dance, writing, cooking... etc etc.

These are just a few things I've gathered this summer... hope it gives you something to think about. after all, we're all thrown around in this crazy world.

22 days

2009-07-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

22 days until the roadtrip! wow i really can't believe the summer has gone by so fast! i've got two new cousins on the way and two weeks of work left... and then theres my brother's 24th birthday and all the stuff i want to do before i leave... doesnt look like NYC is going to work though... next summer i'll take a week or so off before i start working so i can do fun stuff. and hopefully net summer i'll have a job where i get more than one saturday off the entire summer... anyway... but at least i've been saving like mad and i've been able to apply for this post 9-11 GI bill so at least i'll be getting some moola for schoola... okay that sounded a lot more lame than it did in my head...
anyway!
so c'est la vie. life is going. that's about all i'm gonna say about that...

toodles!
cmumf

JULY???!?!?

2009-07-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

i refuse to believe that it is july... it just can't be!! i can't just only have a month of summer left!!! AHHHH
so it's official... road trip begins on aug 10th. so if we're in provo by the 14th i'm totally taking my brother up to boise to see gramma and all my awesome friends :D boise is frikken fun. not like provo. provo boring.
but then again i'm totally stoked to see my BYU friends and move back in to Campus Plaza and start classes. my classes are gonna be super awesome this semester. i'm really digging into my linguistics major. its cool to think that in a few years i'm going to become an expert in linguistics... well as far as a bachelor's degree will take me anyway. we shall see.
well mindy you'll be glad to know that i'm 'out in the sun' ;) but being very cautious about it. sorry if my last few posts have been rather ambiguous... there's been alot going on that i dont really want to explain all of it... well... you know. but that's the way it goes.
it is GORGEOUS out today... and last night too! its like mid seventies/ low eighties in JULY its AWESOME. ugh when i get out to utah i'd better be ready for a heat wave... better bring my swimming suit!! HAHA it'll be nice to be in provo when its warm instead of when its covered in snow all the freakin time.
well that's all for now... gotta finish making dinner!!

mwah
cmumf

metaphorical questions...

2009-06-24T15:07:00.001-07:00

so if you're stubborn about something slightly unimportant does that make you foolish because of pride or wise because of caution?
Like, you decide to not go outside in the sun for more than five minutes at a time because you know if you do (even with sunscreen) that you will get burned. Because the longer you are outside... the longer you want to STAY outside and the more careless you become. So! is it worth risking the stinging sunburn and the future risk of cancer because you know you are a sucker for the sunshine, or is it better to stick with your plan and spend most of the summer inside or in a window gathering sunlight that's filtered through a window?
Or.. could it be possible to go outside for... an hour... at a time. and that be your goal. but should you slip there will be terrible consequences... but if you can manage it... more sunlight would make you happy...

ugh i dont even know what i'm saying anymore...
that make sense? hope so... lemme know what ya think

ramblings of a confused and conflicted summer working poor college student.

okay. here goes!

2009-06-07T18:37:00.001-07:00

about a month ago my best friend became... well... not. my best friend. and i think i'm finally ready to talk about it.
you know, people go on and on about how the new age world is so accepting and so open to ideas and cultures. but the truth is, it's all political. all of it. Americans are not as accepting as they think they are. sure, everyone goes out of their way to be particularly nice to foreigners, or to gays, or to people from 'underdeveloped areas'... but when it comes to religion, there is no problem insulting the standard American Christian. whether that be Catholic, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Protestant, or Mormon. yes, we are all Christian and yes well all get crap for it. But see... there's a fine line between political tolerance and acceptance. our country was formed on the basis of diveristy, religion particularly included.
Honestly, anyone who actively practices any faith, Jew or Gentile, i have profound respect for. there's too many people who claim to be Methodist or Baptist but haven't stepped foot in a church since Christmas or Easter... perhaps even longer. But if Christians from all sects are so ready to accept the diversity of the country and all non-Christian religions, then why can they not accept each other?
i know i'm ranting... but it was religion that ultimately made me lose my very best friend. i'm so sick of having to explain that YES Mormons happen to be Christian. Yes we believe in Christ and YES we believe in God and Yes we believe in families and in priesthood and in service and in love.

I guess what i'm really trying to say is... my religion doesn't rule me. i follow my religion out of obedience of what i KNOW in my heart and soul is true. I don't watch rated R movies because i dont want those things stuck in my already dirty brain. I dont do things on Sunday because that is a family day. and a day of rest. I dont drink because its disgusting. I dont do drugs because its absolutely stupid.

And as for marriage? I will marry someone of my own religion. Not for my own benefit either. alot of people think its a selfish thing... that my religion dictates that i must marry within the faith, but that's not true! it is encouraged and pleaded, but not required. but i've seen the difference not only in my own church, but of other friends in other faiths. two faiths in one household does not work. okay, it can... but its messy. The divorce rate for couples who marry outside of their own faith is about 50 percent. the rate for mormon couples that marry within the church is astronomically less. but it's even more than that.
you see... we believe that families are forever... that we will be together in the world to come. now those of you who know me know that i am a self-sacrificing SOB... and i could handle it if it were just me and my husband. but i wont do that to my kids. My grandfather stopped going to church. he became a drunk. he beat my grandmother. it's within my own family. i will NEVER do that to my kids. never. they WILL have a father and he WILL be there for them. for eternity. and even on the selfish side... if i never had any kids (which i hope i do) i wouldnt want to be alone forever. i'd want my husband by my side.
it's a choice i understand and a choice i am proud to make. (i'm not getting married anytime soon, though... in case ur wondering LOL)
Even though my faith has cost me a dear friend. i know it's true. no amount of persecution, or prejudice, or pain of sorrow, or politics can ever take that away. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and i am more than proud to say it. Do what you will, say what you will, but you can't take that testimony away from me.

Thoughts of the day

2009-06-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

Well, today is tuesday and i felt like writing. i suppose i always have a dose of hypergrafia (the uncontrollable urge to write) when i'm rediculously tired. i'm not sure why, but last night i really couldnt sleep. just an hour/and a half at a time. i finally got to real sleep about seven... and of course the phone rang at 930 lol. i just can't get a break! oh well... its' weird though that suddenly i have an easier time sleeping during late morning (6-11) than at one or two in the morning lol maybe i'm becoming nocturnal... after all... i work evenings all the frikken time. hm. interesting.

anyways... well i've actually started writing version 3 of blackwolf again. its going to be alot better. the beginning of the first two drafts was just not right. so it's back to the drawing board. but i'm pretty happy with it so far... it's alot more simple. it was much too complicated before. but hopefully i'll get alot done by the end of summer... though i somehow doubt it with the way my work schedule is. but we shall see...

speaking of work... i'm keyholder (officially) which is awesome since i make more moola. and its not hard. its kind of cool actually. i like being able to do stuff. plus hopefully we'll be getting a new associate soon which is sweet because i love training. its fun :D

well that's about it for my mundane life.
oh! went paintballing last saturday. it was tons of fun :D
and i'm going to paramore concert in virginia beach in a week!! AHHH!!! awesome!

well that's all for me
cate out.

Grindstone

2009-05-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

No rest for the wicked. still working, alot. still trying to find things to do in my spare time... which isnt much...but still. currently, i'm writing this while watching 10,000 BC with my brother. which is actually a pretty entertaining movie. but things have been pretty crazy lately.
was supposed to get a promotion, coworker had a fit, coworker called district manager, no more promotion for cate, coworker that had a fit put in two weeks notice along with other keyholder... promotion for cate but not until next month.
family's great, it's a bit weird to be home tho after having my own place, you know. dad took mom to niagra falls for a few days i'm glad they had fun. they both needed a vacation.
i need a vacation. holy cow. life is rediculous.

happy mother's day

2009-05-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

here's my playlist for the day:

Standard lies--dashboard confessional

just walk away--kelly clarkson

never see your face again-- maroon 5 featuring rihanna

just another picture to burn--taylor swift

Gives you Hell--All American Rejects

wisdom for the day: imagining the worst prepares you for when almost everything goes wrong.

Homeless

2009-04-29T20:49:00.001-07:00

So i'm pretty much homeless. seeing as i turned in my key for my apartment only to have to stay in provo until may 1 for women's conference cuz i like getting paid at my job. and my job is AWESOME. i'm doing truss spot. all strapped in 35 feet in the air pointing beams of light at people singing and playing instruments. its tons of fun. and we have two new guys on the crew. PJ who i call PIP for some reason... dunny why... and ryan who seems pretty cool. so now i'm the youngest on the crew along with being the only girl and the only non-RM. therefore non-endowed. its cool but kinda funny when i think about it. i really am one of the guys :D

but all's well that ends well. i've basically only spent two nights in the same place over the last week. two at laura's in boise... one at jill and matt's... two at my uncle's in bountiful... and tonight i'm crashing at my old neighbor's place in s202! thanks tyra!! you rock! we'll see where i crash tomorrow night... since its the last night i need to crash somewhere. then its back up to BOISE BABY!!! YEAH! i can't wait. laura and i are going to have so much fun! and i'll actually tell ppl i'm coming. last weekend i didnt.... cuz it was sort of last minute. but! this time i will have plans and amazingness. and i met a bunch of new people so that's always cool!

i go home in a week! WOW i'll be back to being the surguit mom of the mumford household, maryland division. hahaha i'll be cooking and working and taking care of people it will be fabulous!! and i shall see all my special friends and spend time with them. can't wait!
plus i got promoted to keyholder at le gourmet chef! and i dont even work there yet!!! i only worked there a little over a month! ahhh! i'm so excited to be keyholder again. makes me feel important. plus they'll most likely give me lotsa hours. not like forty but probably around thirty! i hope! we shall see

well that's all for me for now!
toodloo

CDMumf

procrastination...

2009-03-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

soooo pretty much i've got 7.5 pages out of 8 done for my linguistics paper... and i just can't start on it yet!! (again) but that's the way it goes sometimes i guess. besides i havent written on here in a while... things have been pretty crazy!
sooo... i have a boy. and yes he his a boy... not a man lol he's a preemie. but he's totally good to me all the time... its kinda rediculous lol. he's a comp nerd and he was trying to read my linguistics book the other day... HAHAH he looked so confused. he keeps trying to impress me but he really isnt good at trying to sound smarter than he is (as far as language goes) hahaha. but we have a good time :D
work has been going great! i'm officially not a newbie haha i can do stuff on my own if i need to. which is flippin sweet if you ask me :D and building cable is way fun... i'm still slow but i'm getting faster.
i'm trying out for cougar marching band next fall! so i went to the instrument office yesterday and i have a tuba i can use now! yayyy ITS SO AMAZING TO PLAY AGAIN
and i totally can still play the budweiser song that we used to play in boise all the time LOL. but i've got a lot of intonation control issues since i havent played ina year and a half... so i've got a lot of work cut out for me but its so nice to just play again. so long as i can find a practice room in the HFAC. haha
worked at this luau thing on tuesday... rather interesting! i must say. hahaha the guys had red chests by the time they were done with the slap dance ROFL. they were beating the crap outta themselves! and of course me and darrin were laughing from up in the mez :D
i'm officially coming to MD on the 6th of may... and i'm heading up to boise on the 1st or 2nd... so watch out world i'm coming to get ya in boise!! i'm super excited tho... i miss that crazy idahoan city!!
got to see rachel kyle last weekend!! i miss you girlie!! we had an amazing breakfast though :D
and and and and... i dont have anything else to say
except the festival of colors is this weekend!!! yayyyyyyy!!!

talk to ya later
leave me something :D
mwah
cmumf

updates! the semester's half over!!

2009-03-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

well, okay it's more than half way over... but for the sake of brevity... we'll just say its about half over.
wow things have been really crazy lately! i've been writing, though not on my novel... another story. thanks so much for reading it mindy! you caught alot of stuff that i do when i'm just typing and dont read what i write haha. other than that just work and school. i still have the coolest job ever and school isnt as bad as it was a few weeks ago... although i do have a lot of exams coming up really soon. i had one last week and two this week. not to mention everything else i have to do hahaha. but its all good. i dont mind being busy.
i've been going to bed past my 'bedtime' the last two nights but i'm actually pretty awake! i suppose its just because i've been having so much fun this week.
monday some of our friends from s108 came over. i ended up in another epic tickle fight ( i have the bruises to prove it.) my dad came to visit!! and we got to hang out on sunday. and yesterday he took my brother and i to lunch. on tuesday, though, frank was bored so we went to wall mart, ate chili, watched Australia and ate ice cream. it was a lot of fun! especially since lately i feel like i know people...but i dont have anyone i can just call up and do crazy things with. so it was a nice relief.
also my visiting teachee liz called and asked if i could make lunch for her boyfriend because she's in bountiful (she had a syst removed on sunday) so that was an adventure all on its own. HAHAHAHA her roommates were laughing pretty hard about it anyhow.
and yesterday we went to the draper temple open house!! travis said they were going like two minutes after i put my laundry in... so i didnt finish laundry until about eleven thirty since ben also came over! it was cool to talk to him for a bit... it's been a while...

one of my roommates is moving out... to CP third floor instead of second. at least she'll be in my stake! i'm gonna miss natalie!!! *sob* but that's okay... she has her reasons. you go girl

So... yeah! me and frank and his roomies and stuff are going bowling on friday which should be amazing. i'm excited. and my mom's coming in on saturday night! i'll have to see her after the airforce game since i'm working :D but i'm so excited! it's been a good week. now if i can manage to ace my latin exam and find time to study for the american heritage exam on monday, things will be even better.
leave me comments you know i love you :D

<3 cmumf.

missing bowls

2009-02-22T16:17:00.001-08:00

so here's one for you...
so i'm home more than any of my other roommates. why? i dont like studying in the library. in fact, i havent stepped foot in there since the semeseter started. so since i'm home... i do a lot of dishes. however, last week, due to the fact that i had a term paper, two midterms, three quizzes, and four times the math homework as usual because some idiot decided to complain that our teacher wasnt preparing them for calculus very well... i didnt find the time to do the dishes with my normal efficiency.
note: i use a lot of bowls. i like bowls better than plates for some reason... no idea why.
so one morning... there is ONE bowl in the cabinet. i look in the dishwasher... knowing I loaded them in there the night before... bowls are gone. good thing i woke up on time and had more than seven minutes to eat breakfast. i had ten! woo. so that's seven minutes to eat and three minutes to wash the bowl and put it back in the cabinet so the next person who wakes up can have a bowl for breakfast. you cant really have cereal on a plate... after all.
i find out yesterday that one of my roommates who 'owns' the bowls decided that i wasnt respecting them enough and hid them in the bottom drawer.
am i wrong in thinking that if someone (especially your new roommate) is doing something that bothers you... you should t a l k about it. seriously... hiding bowls? kinda petty! not to mention childish and way to not solve the problem. if i'm doing something that's offending you or disrespecting you... i d o n t m e a n to tell me to my flippin face!! that's how i know what you're doing. otherwise i'm just looking around wondering where all the bowls have gone.

Yes, my blog is locked again

2009-02-10T21:56:00.000-08:00

Well, if you want to know the truth... a stalker has returned and i'd rather keep him as far out of my life as possible. especially now. you ever feel how intensely creepy it is when someone from so long ago suddly appears back in your life? Creepy in the fact that they're not who they used to be, and/or paranoia swoops in screaming at you that they're only out to mess with you. well... paranoia and better sense have won out here. if it gets worse my dad said he'll trade sim cards with me... so if my number suddenly changes for my cell phone y'all will know why.
anyways, i just figured that after ten months, he'd leave me alone... but i guess i can't guess what his angle is so... i'm leaving it to just not getting involved.
prayers and hugs

cmumf

the countdown continues...

2009-02-02T20:01:00.000-08:00

12 days till valentines, 14 to president's day, which i'll be spending in Rexburg.
43 till st. patrick's day
69 till easter
79 till finals are over, 87 until my job's done for the semester
and after that? a few days in boise an then back home.

life is madness. Ever wonder at the fact that sometimes confusing or odd things seem to happen all in the same week? last week was that way for me. just confusing times... i hate not being able to understand something but i finally figured out that i dont have to force myself to accept something i never wanted to in the first place. this is, of course, referring to ideals.
other than that i think my tests went well... which is a relief. all my classes are going well right now, actually... except i forgot to turn in one assignment at the beginning of class so i couldnt turn it in after the lecture... sad day. but that was a few weeks ago.

i was lost a bit last week but now i think i'm digging my roots back into the soil. i've been writing a lot too... so if i have anyone who'd like to be a volunteer for reading things...? haha mindy already got suckered into it mwahahaha. but that's how it goes.
i paid rent, i have a place to live next fall, i have a job for next fall, i submitted an application to marching band, and i have a calling! relief society chorister lol.

so things are picking up. we'll see how the rest goes.
played disney scene it twice this weekend. played with my friend Christian's lil puppy. made me miss my puppy a lot. almost too much. but alas i shall survive. no worries.

writings of an obsessively smart college student.

fourth week of school ?!?!?!?!

2009-01-25T17:00:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that this will be my last entry for the month. Since I'm probably going to be busy what with the beginnings of midterms lurking on the horizon and homework piling up on my desk. Also, i'll have something else to keep me busy....
I HAVE A JOB!! and it is positively the coolest job ever. i'm a lighting tech for the AV department!!! last night was my first night 'working' although i'm not officially hired yet. i was just training but i got to run a spotlight at the basketball game and 'observe' at the ryan shupe and the rubber bands concert last night (which was AMAZING) i'm so so so SO excited for this job. there's a lot i can learn from it and its not something that's very common. seriously.
but other than that... um... what else has happened... i've enjoyed this last week of sleepin in till 8 instead of 650/7 since i only had one 8 am class... but tomorrow i'll have to get back into the swing of things. ah well. life goes on.
i cant believe i've been in school for going on four weeks now! its madness i tell you madness!! but at least its going by quickly. i keep toying with the idea of staying here for spring or summer but there's just too much i need to be at home for. more than just my family too...
but my dad's talking about moving this summer. selling the house and all that. so we'll see how that goes... i'd rather stay where we are but i understand if we need to move again. but it'll be a LOT of work. we'll probably have to paint my room a different color... or a lighter color at least. its REALLY green. but hey i like it that way :D
my roomies are still amazing. we have so much fun together. oh friday night we went over to n204 with our fhe brothers and watched kung fu panda on a 50'' TV. it was AWESOME i love that movie.
haha last weekend i went on a starwars binge. i watched IV V and VI in three days. oh man i'm soooo star wars-ed out. even still lol
anyways that's about it i suppose!! things are going really well thus far. i'm kinda paranoid about when it will all crash and burn :D
anyways toodloo!!

cate the great.

New Year!!

2009-01-18T20:05:00.000-08:00

So, for those of you who don't know... since my birthday is so close to the traditional new year, I actually don't really consider the year over/ new year begun until my birthday. it's my own personal year beginner.
So, it's a new year!! for me anyway... my 19th year... wow i only have one year left of being a teenager!! which means of course i have to wreak havoc on all mankind ;) or maybe just on provo. we'll see.
BIG NEWS: george III got a sex change...(i got a new gel skin for him for my bday) so George III is now reincarnated as Lucy!! let's hope she reigns a GOOD LONG TIME. none of this crashing business. so there.
watched starwars yesterday and today. gonna finish tomorrow with the return of the jedi hahaha. i haven't seen those movies in FOREVER. i'm going to start calling people scruffy looking nerfhurders now :D but only when i'm grumpy
not much else is going on... its sorta quiet what with the long weekend and all. i would've made a trip somewhere but i had this dance thing i had to go to last night. it was fun tho :P so no worries.
anywhoo yay i get to sleep in agagin tomorrow :) although sleeping in for me is like 9. for somereason i always wake up on or before 9 even if i'm up till 3. *shrug* weird.
well i'd better get some constructive things done!!

news updates from a green-eyed, confused, and ponderous college student.

96

2009-01-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

there are 96 days left in the semester (including weekends and finals) here. that's manageable right? lol. it'll have to be :D at least when the sun is shining you're warm for the .6 seconds after you exit a building before the air or wind really hits ya. when that happens you'd best have a coat or else you're gonna be freaking freezing all the way to your next class.
wow. i just realized how often i'm writing now... which means i have way too much free time WHICH MEANS i need a job. i need one like whoa. hahaha
but i had a job interview today!! wewt! it was for the lighting/stage production crew here at BYU. we do alot more than just the theatre department. we set up the mariott center for everything including firesides and devo... and if there's a big dance concert or something...DOOD it would be so cool to do that. plus he said you can basically work as many hours as you'd like... even over 40 if you're really committed which is PERFECT for me. and they're really flexible... a lot of saturday nights tho but that's okay. but nothing solid on that one yet so cross your fingers for me.
classes are still going awesome. math just got frustrating today. i HATE not getting to use a calculator for trig. grrrrrrrr. its so much faster when you can type in sin theta instead of doing all the algebra crap. oh well. my assignment isnt due until thursday next week and i have a test this weekend so we'll figure it out.
OH my birthday is on saturday!! YAY i'll be 19 but no mission ...YET grrrr makes me grumpy. but traivs is going to take me out to dinner on friday YAY and i'm going with a bunch of my friends from dance class to the foot poetry thing saturday. it should be fun. its a dance concert... not poetry about feet. just making that clear......
anywayssss..... that's about all. my life is boring but i write about it anyway.
MIndy i hope you get ur job figured out. i know you will!!
Rachel i miss you like no other TEXT ME!!!
and and and for all you others out there: just take it one day at a time. hahahah

PEACE
i'm out.

alas!

2009-01-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

Hello there everyone who still reads this haha.
WELL! it's been a little over a week since i've been here at BYU and it is totally not as horrifying as i thought it would be. thus far i have been in complete contact with actual SANE people. my roommates are amazing and classes are going great!

i have latin, trig, american heritage, linguistics, new testament and irish dance.
latin is amazing. i have it every day and it's really easy right now hahaha. american heritage isnt something i'm terribly excited about. it's like american government/us history mixed with economics. but it takes a different perspective on a lot of things so its interesting. linguistics is INCREDIBLE i'm so glad i changed my major. new testament is awesome as usual. i mean come on its NT! probably my favorite cannon of scripture. and irish dance... thus far my feet are retarded and cant understand how to do certain steps but i'll get it by the end. promise! haha

my roomates? amazing. my appartment is three blondes and a red head haha. michelle and maren and natalie and i get along really well. i'm cooking for all of us and our fhe brothers tonight! hawaiian haystacks! yum yum! i'm excited. i love to cook! and its totally boring cooking for one person. our old FHE dad left, bill, so we're gonna get a new one. and apparently kelly (who sold me this contract) was the fhe mom so that'll probably be me. no worries tho fhe is easy haha you just gotta think of fun stuff to do on monday nights! the guys are caleb and skyler (brothers) and luke ( very very very recent RM) and bryson? something like that. no one ever sees him tho hahaha.

i've figured out my budget and everything so now i just need to land a job. i'd really like to work on/ near campus. working at the MTC wouldnt be bad. even if i was custodial. getting paid to scrub floors and mop and sweep isnt so bad. espeically when you can wear whatever the heck you want to do it in hahaha. the bookstore is hiring too. i forgot to ask if the creamery was. hmm we'll see. worst comes to worst there's an eddie bauer at the university mall. so we'll see!
its really nice spending more time with travis. he made me dinner last night at his appt and we watched minority report.

anyways so i guess i'll end this and spend the next hour or so messing around before i actually get ready for church. it doesnt start till one thirty but choir is twelve fifty. so there ya have it!

leave me comments tell me about ur life!
hugs all around! :D

2009!

2009-01-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

So yes, figured it was time to figure out what i'm actually going to do this year :D

1. survive BYU... possibly for two semesters. i have no idea yet.
2. Make enough money to survive in general... college tuition, rent, text books, gas... etc...
3. NOT get married. this is very important as it scares the living daylights out of me.
4. stop lying. i dont do it as often as i used to ... i'm just veryyy good at it :( need to break the habit
5. stop biting my fingernails. no promises tho... especially during finals time.
6. make a zillion new friends and remember their names :D
7. get 'skinny' which for me is like 130 hahaha cuz i gots muscle!! i should work on muscle stuff more... especially if i'm going back into marching band next fall... if i dont i will most definitely die.
8. dont die.
9. write in my journal more often
10. pay attention and understand. i'm good at this but i can always improve.

hey 2009... BRING IT ON!!!!!

2 days .......

2008-12-29T14:41:00.000-08:00

holy COW!!!!!
i need to get packing.....
but that's another story.
anyway! so i am still sort of inbetween on excited and dreading... i dont really know... well. okay so i'm pretty sure this will go like anything else and i'll know what im really about on the day before or the day of. there will be tears at one point or another... it might be tomorrow and it might be four weeks from now... but they will come eventually. there are those i will miss terribly and hopefully new friends to take the ache away. there will be closer and older friends not too far away. there's so much. im not afraid, never afraid of what is new and what is different. but i wish more would fit in my suitcase.

Day before Christmas!!!

2008-12-24T07:28:00.000-08:00

Ugh i hate working on Christmas eve... but when you're poor... well... beggers can't be choosers. especially when friday is my last day. AHHHHHH!!! i'm not ready to start thinking about packing yet!!! GARHH!!
but that's okay.
and to answer your question jess... i was dying for it to be monday because a certain someone was coming back for Christmas break and i was dying to see him. yeah... anyways
ummm so! Christmas is tomorrow. finally got the rest of my shopping done yesterday :D yes i know i'm a procrastinator... but the mall scares you when you work in it all day. true story.
austrailia is an awesome movie. if you havent seen it yet GO SEE IT! it over reaches the plot itself in a few places but NULLA IS SO CUTE!!! he really is. plus hugh jackman in all his manly glory dumping a water bucket over his head to wash away the soap he just slathered all over his torso... HELLO!!!! that in and of itself is the reason any straight girl and gay guy should go see that movie hahahahhahahhaha yes alan that means you :D anyway...
what else?? oh i have to write in my journal sometime before i get on the plane. i usually write on the plane anyway but it would take to long to describe every thing that's happened since finals week.
but but but the party at the predmonts house yesterday was amazing!!!
but bsu lost the poinsettia bowl :'(
can't blame it on the fact that the band wasnt there this year... maybe it was cuz the colorguard wasnt there LOL but the mane line dancers were... huh. interesting
anyways
gotta go to work now. till 5 :( but then i'm free until friday morning mwahahahaha
Merry Christmas to all! and to all a great season!!!

never thought i'd say this...

2008-12-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

IT NEEDS TO BE MONDAY!!!
i have my reasons... which i will leave undisclosed...
BUT IT NEEDS to be tomorrow.
ughhhhhhh i work 7 hours tomorrow and i know it will DRAAAAGGGG cuz its MONDAY at the mall so it'll be slow and i'll probably be doing greeter duty or something..... grrrrrrr

anyway... moving on...
been working a looooot. which is good. except it was so busy on saturday that i forgot to get my paycheck! silly me! so i'll get that tomorrow... (another reason it needs to be monday) took my last final on wednesday. totally aced it. got a 94 on my spanish oral exam! so now i just gotta go to hcc one of these days and get them to send my transcript to BYU so i have a spanish credit. wewt!
let's see... i have a latin class, new testament, american heritage, trig, and irish dancing :D so this semester class wise should pan out pretty well. AHHHH 18 days!!!
i really like countdowns... i've noticed. it's weird. i guess i just like looking forward to things!
LIKE TOMORROW grrrrr.

okokokok... getting that off of my mind.... i can think about that later....

UM! so i got some Christmas shopping done and yesterday we finally got a tree!! but it isnt too cold yet like its in the fifties!! it should be in the twenties and snowing not raining people! hello! haha but i really hope we have a white christmas. it would be amazing to have that again.
and...... and......
ugh i can't think. time to play wii... or write... or... i dont know! grrr

much love
cmumf

The time has come...

2008-12-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

Thursday, January first I will be flying out to Salt Lake City.
That's exactly thirty days.
When i get out there i will be living at 669 E 800 N Provo, UT.
I need to pay $530 before I get out there plus tuition.
I will need to get a job to pay the combined $530 more for rent, plus food, plus gas, plus...whatever

holy crap.
I think it finally sunk in...

2008-11-28T13:09:00.001-08:00

Can't believe that it's almost december!! goodness gracious time has been flying past. except nights, it seems... nights always seem to drag on. but moving on...
i freaking LOVE MY JOB!!!! working at LGC is so much fun. and the time goes by really fast. faster that EB anyway. plus its not as cold in the store haha. today was fun too, since it was black friday. we were really busy! i got to be a cashier the whole time, just ringing up one person after another. it's fun though... probably because its not really boring :D
Thanksgiving was pretty awesome. it's been a long while since all of us were home for thanksgiving... my brothers and me and my parents anyway. my mom and i cooked all morning and we had dinner about 230. ahhh i love thanksgiving, actually, i just love holidays. its an excuse to cook and bake and laugh and wear pajamas all day :D i think that's almost my favorite part haha.
i guess i gotta start getting ready for Christmas. ALREADY! oh man. but this christmas should be really amazing. first Christmas we'll be all together too. a couple of friends of mine are getting married on the 20th here. they're having a ring ceremony too! i've never really seen one of those before... so i really want to see one.
anyways!!! so yeah life is good. not fabulous but good. got paid today YES!! and and and and leftovers are amazing

(john williams is the man) :D

Yes, there is a holiday between halloween and Christmas.

2008-11-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

Just me again.
I have some news updates...thought it was time to actually get them out there for the world hahaha.
I have a job! I work at Le Gormet chef at the mall. i really like it. the time goes by so much faster than when i worked clothing retail. i'm getting tons of hours too. which is amazing since I NEED MONEY!!! i'm poor haha STILL. but that's okay. "make it work," ~tim gun
I also have a place to live next semester!! it's not official yet since i havent faxed the contract back to utah... but other than that it's pretty sealed!! i'll be at campus plaza. so ya'll (boisians) better come visit!!
my brother killed his first squirrel today with the pellet gun. he's shot a few before, but this is the first one he's killed. he's got photographic evidence on facebook too.
i saw twilight. and it was amazing. i'm seeing it again on friday with erin!! i just have to figure out the time. YAY ah that movie... man it makes any female super boy crazy afterward. no matter what age.
other than that... ummm thanksgiving is coming!! i really am excited cuz i really like to cook hahaha. it'll be fun.
jeez, what else?
oh my art portfolio is due this week! ACK! on tuesday. then next week i go and pick it up. and then the next week after that i have my spanish final. and then the semester's over!! HOLY COW!!!! it went so fast!!!

ummm its freaking cold. like seriously. i need puppy to keep me warm :D

SO... since i have nothing more interesting to say... i will say 'that's all folks!'

~news bulletin from a redhead who's cell phone is permanently attached to her fingers.

George III

2008-11-13T13:36:00.001-08:00

So, if my comp crashes ONE MORE TIME... i'm demanding a new computer. new EVERYTHING. new case, new software, new everything. apparently third time is the charm for seriously bad luck/computers. AGHEI:OIW:EOIH EKRJHC:ONRO:IWJX:LSKDJX:OIER:COW*#O C@#$C(@*&$_C(*@&$_C(@$(@#(!*^@$C%^(*&$+)@$&_(@%(&^ $*^!@(#+!!!!!!!!

okay now that that's out of my system
20,000 words (or more) of nanowrimo are gone. so i'm officially retiring. it just sucks when you lose ALL your pics, ALL your music, ALL your documents you didnt email or save on the thumb drive because they werent that important to begin with, AND your confidence in society.

oh no, it wasnt enough that my macbook crashed AGAIn, no no, the mac store said that my mac is registered under a david someone... but they were 'pretty sure' it was my computer. whatever! AND the ilife applications (which are part of the COMPUTER not the hard drive) mysteriously dissappeared... so i had to go BACK to the mac store so they could fix it. and it was having a hard time accepting CD's... they fixed it too. AND when i try to open msn messenger... it says i have to update. so i update and then when i click on the new icon... it duplicates itself and doesnt open. so when i go back to columbia tomorrow for my interview at Le Gormet Chef i'll have to take it back AGAIN to see what the heck is wrong.

once again...
:OIEJ:ROC$*@#(*C$(*^%)$&YIUHRCOWIEUNC(*#@(^%#(_&^@%_(*@#_(*$&@#_(^!$_(*&!@_%()*#&@_)*$&(@*#$^%(@&#^$(@#*&_!)@&$+)!(@*#+)(!&(_*^%(@#$(&*#$@*(#^&#%^&%$&^*(@#$*(@#$*&($#@*%#@^&*%^&*$%$#@^&#$%%@#$%#@%$@#$%#$%$%#$%#$%#$%#$%$%#$%%$#%$#$%#%$#%$#%$@@@@@@@@$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!

*cate needs a hug*

oh if i emailed something to you... could you email it back?? please???

sigh

2008-11-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

frustrations. life is full of them! especially lately, apparently. for example... the fact that my laptop was working perfectly fine before i went to institute yesterday, and when i got back it wouldnt turn on. there was only the grey screen of illness... though it was lacking in the flashing question-mark-folder of death... so there might yet still be hope!! all the same. i'm gonna be freaking pissed if my computer hard drive has crashed again. its brand new!! george I died (crashed) in the middle of APRIL and now its NOVEMBER that's 7 months!! grrrrrrrrrr if it has died i am demanding an ENTIRELY new macbook. not just replacing the harddrive with a new one... no. completely new. it's rediculous. it shouldnt do that. T.T
mom had my brother carry me up the stairs yesterday and had him pin me down while she put make up on me and rearranged my hair (apparently i looked like a bum) but you know what?? i'd rather look like a bum on purpose than try to look nice (or think i look nice) and still look like a bum. but whatever. after institute was way fun tho. we had a bunch of people over and my brothers made candy apples while we watched beauty and the beast! we had more fun than expected :D ...and then i discovered that my computer was busted.
ah well... george II is currently residing and the doctor (the mac store) and i currently have applications in for more jobs! i freaking need a job!! 600 more dollars and i can pay for tuition in full
and i have a place to live!! when i go to byu! which is sooner than expected. i signed up for classes today! i have american heritage, intro to linguistics, trig, latin, new testament, and IRISH DANCING. i'm gonna meet some fellow red heads :D and it'll be good exercise so i dont get fat(er) haha.

anyways sorry... i just needed to rant for a bit and this seemed like a good place to let loose :D
life isnt that bad i'm just.... *sigh* frustrated today.

have a chocolate day! :D (chocolate is synonymous with happy if you didnt know)

looooooooong day

2008-11-10T11:21:00.000-08:00

but an okay day nevertheless. it's always a long day when your brother wakes you up at 7 am requesting that you help him make cookies. :D that's something i can do first thing in the morning. after all... it doesnt take much brain power. plus we watched CARS while the cookies were baking since he hadnt seen it yet and its AMAZING.
sooo yeah... i've finished my spanish homework and i suppose i should work more on my art homework but i'm not in the mood for it yet. ugh. stupid charcoal. normally i love it... but i'm getting impatient. ummm so i've read about a hundred more pages of Brisingr. which is also amazing. and i'm still in my PJ's... cuz i can. oh yeah it is a boise state PJ's day.
helped ryan sweep off the deck, he's staining it right now. got class tonight.
kay ... so... there's a lot more i'd LIKE to write... but 1. i'm not ready to write it and 2. i have no secret places to publish writing without the person (or people) i'm talking about reading it... sooo... we'll see what i publish and what i dont. maybe i'll just write it, print it when i'm done, and then delete it from every drive on my computer. and what shall i do with this hard copy? why it shall go into the hidden box of papers under my bed where none may see it except me if i wish to dig it out. kind of like the black boxes from the village. ooo creepy movie. but i love it. hahaha .

anyways
hope y'all had a good weekend/ week/ day... depending on how long its been since i've talked to you!!
no te preocupes por mi

~cmumf

ELECTION DAY!

2008-11-04T12:44:00.002-08:00

So, i dont even want to turn on the TV or listen to the radio UNTIL ITS OVER!!!!! AHHHh i'll look tomorrow morning.
BUT I VOTED! HAH

Twas the night before halloween...

2008-10-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well okay, technically it's not night yet... but it will be soon! We only have about two hours left of sunlight here! Come on... work with me. Can't wait for Halloween, even though I will be working from 5-10 that night. *sad face* but it's okay because Saturday at 7 pm I will officially no longer work for Eddie Bauer! After two years it's time to move on. So we'll see what little goodies I find in the down trodden economy for my next job. So been busy busy between friends, work, classes, and family!
Election day is coming up and I'm TOTALLY excited that I get to vote. Although it doesn't really matter since Maryland is as blue as you can be...but I still get to vote :D then again I shall be very glad when the election is over. As I've said before, I want the campaigning to be over so boys are the only thing that bug me again. HAHA just kidding. but seriously. Jib jab's got a freaking hilarious election video. if you havent seen it yet... you have been deprived. SO FUNNY!
I've got a road trip coming up! November 7th I'm headed to Univeristy of South Carolina (with my mom for supervision) to visit a very very good friend of mine for the weekend. The funny thing is, though, that even though I get to see him, we'll probably still text until all hours of the night :D cuz we're awesome like that.
OH OH and my last post got a comment!! YES *punches air* hahaha yes i know i'm crazy. Again, i know you're out there... it's just slightly creepy that i dont exactly know WHO is reading my blog haha. there have been unexpected visitors before... anyways but enough about that
i've got to run!

written by Cate : shorter than you.

i know you're out there!

2008-10-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

my counter keeps going up... so i know ppl r visiting hahaha just no comments!! so its a good thing i have a counter otherwise i'd be pretty sad hahaha.
anyways so... its halfway through october. i have a lot of crap to do but i'm getting it done. tonight is class, visiting teaching, and then hopefully finishing up my art homework. i really dont want to get up early to finish drawing a paper bag... *sigh* but alas it must be done :D especially since i'm an overachiever hahaha.
anyways ummm sooo yeah applied for bank of america today. they need a full-time teller in laurel so i'm like PICK ME PICK ME!!! i'll only be here until december BUT PICK ME!! hahaha tomorrow or wednesday i'll probably go to daedalus book warehouse and see what they can give me as far as hours and pay. i really need to get out of retail :D hopefully though i can find a sweet job while i'm at byu since i'll be paying rent for the first time in my life. annnyways but yeah so things are going OK. i'm missing peoples but c'est la vi.
maybe i can find some organization that'll pay for me to learn manderin hahahaha that would be AMAZING since i already want to learn chinese.
havent written in a while so sunday i had a major hypergrafia binge. scribbling words on EVERYTHING i just HAD to write SOMETHING haha i think i need to write more often so that doesnt happen again ahahha.

luv y'all
well most of you :P jk

ooooooooooow!!!

2008-10-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

Went on the alonzo stag hike which our stake hosts every year in october. 50 miles overnight on the C O canal. Rachel thornley and i really wanted to make it all the way... but around 5 am rachel started seeing things and we were both feeling the cold and every single rock we stomped on hahaha. so we got 21 miles and called it quits. then we waited up at the base camp for holly and ben to walk into the 25 mile mark so i could drive them. so me rachel ben and holly all crashed on the floor of my family room. we didnt get to actual sleep until about seven. oh man we were so tired hahaha. and stiff...and cold. we turnen on the fire place and were still pretty cold hahaha. when mom came down the stairs in the morning she was trying to figure out who was who :D pretty funny!!
Ah but i'm still super super sore. my knees mostly. its freaking rediculous hahaha. AHH but at least we got pancakes for breakfast at noon :D
but it was AMAZING
i love staying up all night mwahahahaha. but i also love sleeping... so that's what i'm about to do now
night!!

YES!!!

2008-10-13T15:34:00.001-07:00

CATE IS FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

let's party! lol
only if its in south carolina :D

peace!!

ROCKTOBER

2008-10-02T10:52:00.001-07:00

Happy October everyone! It is by far my favoritest month of the year. I mean, come on... you got the rennaissance festival, pumpkins, octoberfest concerts, and halloween!! PLUS added bonus this year... i get to go to boise for an entire week!! YAY! i'll be there from the 7th till the 14!! which is awesome cuz i really, really need a vacation. work isnt all that bad... its just BORING haha. well life in general gets boring when you only really have social interactions once a week. but c'est la vi! i really cant wait to get out there. PLUS my brother ryan is finished with his mission!! travis (my other brother) and dad left on sunday to go pick him up and they'll be back on the 11... i really hope ryan's the one that comes to pick me up from the airport on the 14th! ... if he remembers how to drive in america that is :D ahhh my whole family will be together for the most amazing thanksgiving dinner i have ever imagined haha. i get to cook this year since mom is busy with georgetown!! we might have about a dozen people coming too so maybe i'll get two turkeys to roast!! MWA HA HA its a good thing we dont have a deep fryer hahahah. just kidding. nothing beats a good smoked turkey with all the dressings.
ooo the alonzo stagg hike is coming up too!! for those of you who dont know... that's a fifty mile hike that starts on a friday night around nine and ends at about three o'clock saturday afternoon. i only got to do it once a couple years ago and i got about 13 miles before i pooped out hahaha. 13 year olds arent so good at staying up all night. but now i have an ipod, a good buddy to walk with, and CHOCOLATE!!! and i think i'll bring motrin too hahaha. i really want to finish the whole thing! and my whole family will be attempting it! yay!
i just realized how many exclamation points i've used already in this entry... i guess i'm pretty excited about a lot of things. so alas we shall see what all goes on here!
hope to hear from y'all soon...whoever you may be!!
adios

only five minutes to type-mumford. <3

Just another day

2008-09-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot going on lately. Things change fast around here and there's no fighting it, especially when you don't know when it's coming. The only thing you can expect is that things will change, and will always change so long as people are involved. Sometimes it really is just that simple.
Starting tomorrow, working is going to be different. The store manager left the company, and since we're getting a new store manager who's bringing a few people with her, we're losing our co-manager as well. As of tomorrow, all the people that were in management when I was hired less than two years ago will be gone. I just got made keyholder as well, more responsibility and more pay at least.
Friends have gone away to college while I'm the one remaining behind for once. For a while, and continuing at a lesser level, I've returned to being Doc. Mumford for a few of my good friends going through hard times. Not that I mind at all, I'm just a little out of practice. It's been a while.
I'm also the official grocery-shopper for my family, and the chef several nights a week. Grocery shopping really can be therapudic. It really is! All these changes I'm speaking of are mostly good changes. I have a mix of good and not-so-good. But nothing is terrible or unbearable, One thing comes close, but I can handle anything life throws at me. So long as I've got God in my heart and strength in my bones.
Only two weeks left until I head out to Idaho for a week. Time's going by so fast...It's just another form of change.
The strange thing is, I'm really glad I'm here. I thought I'd regret it a few days after deciding not to go back, but I know this is where I need to be now. Just an adventure I didn't know I needed. But another is coming up soon. It'll be January before I know it. Then a new adventure will begin.

Rantings of a writer who still believes in miracles.

dropped

2008-09-07T17:54:00.001-07:00

I was in love once. I had given my heart in exchange for his. He didn’t break my heart, no: he dropped it. He dropped it while I wasn’t looking. The numbness of the empty chasm fed my bitterness. When I could lift my head again, I covered the open cavity as best I could. I hid it convincingly enough that three others eagerly appeared. They held out their hands with their throbbing hearts, all but demanding that I offer mine in return. How could I give something that I did not possess? I know many that would gladly offer emptiness in return for an ill fitted relief, but I refused.
Time ticked by slowly. I began to have fears that it had fallen into hands of one like the three. Someone who would demand it, keep it mercilessly before I could possess it for myself again. That fear became hope when months began to pass. I would give anything simply to seal the rift.
One summer day found me walking with a newfound friend. Along the path, he stumbled over something. He picked it up, brushed it off, and handed it to me. He didn’t realize what he had given me. It wasn’t beating, but it was found and it was whole. Skin and bone knitted together as I pushed the comfortable weight back into my chest. Such relief can scarcely be expressed in words.
Another month trickled by and I was happy in my imperfect totality. But my healing was not complete. I never saw it coming. Once my love many years ago, and always my friend, one night grasped my hand and drew me to his embrace. He did not ask for an exchange, for he knew of my pain. Instead, he lowered his great head and kissed the fresh seam, sending shock waves down the fault directly to my heart. He then pressed his ear to my chest and heard the first pulses of my reawakened heart.
Peace is such an uncommon feeling anymore. I pray that I taste it everyday.

more crazyness

2008-08-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

so i cant believe that the first week of school is over already! i only have two classes: spanish and drawing. i'm pretty excited about it tho! i got all my art supplies today... so i can finally DO my drawing homework hahaha. i got promoted at work and monday's my first day as sales leader... the managers will be there to supervise... but they're totally throwing me to the wolves with this one.. .i mean COME ON its LABOR DAY!! there's freaking a million people coming to the mall. but it'll be fun... after i survive haha.
other than that i've mostly been working and going to school...
... and spending half the night talking or texting a certain person... which is really kinda terrible but honestly i really dont care HAHAHA ... especially when this person helps me when i'm shocked by unforseen knews...
but anyways
so apparently no one comes to my blog anymore or updates theirs LOL come on i gotta get the scoop!!!
anyways hope to hear from y'all soon!!
!cmumf

crazyness

2008-08-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

sorry i havent updated in a while... a lot has been going on. as you may have noticed my blog is once again public access. hahaha i guess i stopped being paranoid :D ummm jill and matt are getting married the same day my brother gets home from his mission... but i have to go to the wedding i mean come on. so i'll be in boise in october! yay... and i'm having fun chilling out with a bunch of my friends... although one in particular left this morning and i was en-saddened... but that's okay... i'm only as far away as a cell phone or a computer!
so... i dont know... i'm kinda in a haze right now...
been watching a lot of olympics which is pretty awesome. i love the olympics... but i hope russia pulls out of georgia... cuz thats really scary.
i really dont know what i'm writing for serious... i just thought i'd update to have something to do i guess...
so aur revouir or however u spell it... adios!

been a while...

2008-07-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I haven't updated in a while... but hopefully you'll forgive me :D After all... either you're reading this knowing that I only have 2.5 weeks left with you, or you're reading this knowing that I'll be seeing you and giving you big hugs in 2.5 weeks!!
I can't believe how quickly summer has gone! It really is pretty crazy when I think about it. I mean, it seems like last week I was unpacking my boxes and sorting through my closet looking for things to donate. Then again it also seems like I've been sleeping in my same bed in my same green room since I graduated. But a few things have definitely changed.
For instance, my hair is ten inches shorter than it was when I left... also I've been under small amounts of stress (see picture above... it's a combination of the two). Well, as much as I would love to have a country of my own to gather all of my friends together into from time to time for the biggest party and greatest social event of all time, that's just not possible. :D But we shall see. Another change is that my novel is finally finished, though no where near done. I have a LOT of editing to do, I know that, but I'm well on my way at least!
17 days isn't a lot of time to finish all I've started this summer, but I'll have to make due!! I really can't wait to see what this year has in store for me.

Cheers

This last week

2008-07-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

was pretty much the most amazing week of my entire life... EFY!! Especially For Youth... first ever session in Kirtland, OH!!! there were only 82 kids there and our session director, bro hinton, knew all of us by name it was amazing!! we had 4 companies: delivered up, books were opened, one of the least, and glory of the stars. I was in glory of the stars, which was the biggest and oldest group. we had such a great time!! our counsellors were Christy Sue, Nikki, and David #1 (we had 3 davids haha) so we went to the N.K. whitney store and the johnson farm on tuesday, the kirtland temple and the moorley farm on wednesday and went back to the temple on friday along with seeing a Kirtland play in a stake center not far from there. it was amazing!! plus we saw the sawmill and the ashery. on tuesday there was a HUGE thunderstorm and me, joyce, chelsea, and josh went running outside. we got SOAKED!! thursday as always is the 'sunday' of EFY and we're in church clothes all day and have a special session for the girls (there's one for the guys too) and have a testimony meeting. holy cow i swear the Spirit was hitting me like a charter bus!! it was absolutely incredible. since this was my last year at EFY, i really think i got the most out of it. there was a lot going on for me and when i got there it just kinda all went away. it's like you never realize how angry or sad you are until you're not angry or sad anymore, you know? i'll never forget all that i learned last week about Christ and about the Atonement and just about life in general. and it was TOTALLY FUN TOO!! we had such a great time getting to know each other. the girls in my counsellor group were the most amazing girls ever, holy cow. heather was my roommate, and sarah and chelsea and joyce and makaal and cassie and shannon and stephanie and of course whitney and our counsellor Christie Sue. i miss them all so much!!
i put pics and vids up on facebook for all of you that have no idea what i'm talking about HAHA so check it out man!! and i love all my friends and i hope i will see/ talk to you soon whoever you are!!

Random day

2008-06-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Oh catherine you HAVE to see this book gramma and i got at books a million today!"
"Who's it by?"
"Umm... i dont even know!"
"Ugh! Well... is it a novel?"
"...Well it is very... 'novel'"

... it was a cupcake design book!! it is absolutely adorrrrable!!! they've got everything from penguin and panda cupcakes to spaghetti and meatball cupcakes *made with chocolates for meatballs and jam for the sauce!)
so i made sunflower cupcakes today
gloooorious
cept i didnt finish because the frosting wasnt quite stiff enough... so its in the fridge hahaha
but they're sooo cute!! i heart oreos. anyways so i'll have to take pics later... my parents just got back from ireland and i now am also the proud owner of some IRISH MARBLE!!! its GREEN!!! and ireland is the only place in the world you can find it!! ugh so gotta go there someday
but other than that... finally actually getting some social contact... well... for the weekend anyway... there's pretty much nothing during the week :D cept institute hahaha and that's fun.
anyways i gotta get to bed... my dad's headed out to idaho tomorrow... well salt lake anyway... he MIGht go to boise... so keep an eye out for him gang!! haha
much luv all my peeps
cmumf

busy busy day

2008-06-21T15:54:00.001-07:00

wake up
go to gym
work out
go to commissary
buy groceries
go home
unload groceries
eat breakfast of SUSHI *veggie sushi... purchased at commissary) YUM***
take a shower *ahhh*
check messages
check email
take dog to grooming appt
Jensens arrive (melissa, jared, abbey, zach, and ty)
play games
go to pick dog up (she's not done yet)
play with kids again
Jensens go to baja fresh
go to pick up dog...takes a while... grrr
think about meeting up with jensens... but alas it is too late
go to erin's 20th birthday party
get chinese
have very sarcastic conversation :D
get bday cake
walk geoff to his car (to make sure he doesnt get raped :D jk)
watch 2 hours of Je-fuh-fuh dunHAM (hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)
play card games until midnight
burn a CD from Erin
drive home
make sure dog is ok
crash

ahhh if only all days could be filled with so much social contact!!! AMAZING!!
miss y'all
peace out

flowers, busses, and apples

2008-06-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Emily, Alan, Megan, and myself all journeyed out to Wheaton regional park... which is absolutely beautiful by the way! we walked around for a few hours and looked at all the flowers and trees and plants and squirrels and chipmunks and ducks and turtles, and then we made the long trek back to my car where Emily had left the most amazing trail mix ever. so we ate that (like half the bag) and started heading home... but we saw baskin robbins so we stopped there for like 20 minutes (yum!) but then apparently i missed the turn onto randolf road... so we ended up at like 189 north or something going apparently the wrong way... so confused. we found maps in the car and eventually found out where we were...
"So long as we don't end up in Virginia, we'll be okay,"
"Um... we're REALLY close to virginia cate..."
"But we're on maryland avenue!!"
alan: "Hey... i think my dad works in that building!"
Emily: "There's a naked man with water?"
Cate: "WHAT??"
megan : "It's a statue!!"
etc...etc...
so we FINALLY figure out that to get north east, we have to go south... okay... so we get on 270 south to 495 east... the traffic on the inner loop was a nightmare so we took 29 north instead of going another 3 miles to 95... even though 29 has stoplights and 95 doesnt... grrr. anyways so we're driving north on 29...
cate: "hey! there's a metro bus! it's Z9... alpana's heading home, i wonder if she's on that bus!"
alan: "Someone call her!!"
Megan: "Okay!"
calls alpana
"What bus are you on?"
alps: "Z9"
laughing histerically
me: "Are you headed north on 29?"
alps: 'Yes"
more histeric laughing
Me: "Did you just pass a gas station next to california tortilla??"
alps: "Yes..."
laughing harder
me: "We're four cars behind you in the right lane!!!"
Alps: "YOu mean you guys have been driving since i called you an hour ago??"
silence...
me..."Yes..."
annnyways
so yeah
pretty strange coincidence. so we were weaving in and out of traffic in a mini van trying to pass this freaking bus... that cut us off... then got in the turn lane... then this kia was going like 40 mph... so we ended up just passing the bus while it was waiting to turn... but alpana saw us HAHA we waved.
then we went to my house... polished off the trail mix and played a freaking awesome game of apples to apples.
and since alpana came over and it was alan with four girls... and my mom had to leave... she warned us not to gang up on the poor boy while she was gone HAHAH (okay so she might have band wild sex or something like that... needless to say we were laughing about that comment for about half an hour)

then later i went to institute which was pretty awesome. i'm taking my parents to the airport today so they can fly to dublin!! which means i'll be officially braving the singles ward this sunday... there's no freakin way i'm going to the family ward by myself. plus i get to sleep in mwahahahahha.
annnnd i'm going completely crazy... but that's okay. i'll survive!!!
luv y'all and miss ya most likely :D

UGH!!!

2008-06-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

i hate being frustrated... which of course makes me more frustrated... honestly! it's a vicious cycle!!
have you ever felt completely (okay not completely) emotionally unstable? that's how i was feeling today... like if someone startled me out of my concentration i'd suddenly start crying or yelling or something. it's the weirdest thing!! and it's driving me bonkers!!
GRR
maybe a 7 hour nap will fix it...
anyways toodloo! happy fathers day!!

Wed nes day

2008-06-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

I GOT TO WORK YESTERDAY!!! AND I PICKED UP 2 MORE SHIFTS!! okay so 15 hours in one weeks isn't very much... but it's wayyy better than nothing. I still havent heard back from any of the places i put in applications... but i'm still praying. plus i joined this care.com thing that advertises you for babysitting jobs and tutoring opportunities and things and i got an invite for this lady who needs someone to take her son to daycare at 6 in the morning. hey if it pays... not a problem!! but i'm going to be at EFY for the last week she needs someone so i havent heard if she still wants me for the first three weeks or not. But again, i'm hoping and praying!

Other than that, i went to my middle school playground with my friend natasha and we played around for probably an hour before it got too hot. Then i had dinner w/ the fam and went to young women's! it was nice to see some of my old friends... but nothing to write home about :D
that's about all that's going on at the moment... messing around with new stories and progressing on my novel!!! UGH i just gotta get that DONE GRR!
anyways
that's pretty much my life at the moment!!
miss my boisians... can't wait for efy... and nervous about having enough to get all i need to do, done...OH and thinking about cutting my hair short... how short?? we shall see *evil laugh*

Explainations...

2008-06-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

So, um, sorry if i accidentally blocked you... the security on this blogspot program isnt exactly top notch. you can't just choose people who CANT see your blog... you have to choose those who CAN... so yeah i'll be telling people otherwise if they're not able to see it to give me their email address so i can invite them.
I suppose you're wondering WHY i'm suddenly blocking people from seeing this not-so-personal blog, but some things have changed over the last few days. Note to self... sarcasm is not accepted or appreciated everywhere... and i'm comfortable saying this because he won't see. Jeff is mad at me and pretty much never wants to talk to me ever again because of some sarcastic comments i left on his blog a while ago. I guess he didnt realize i was kidding. And i'm partially to blame for that, i mean i didnt put any 'lol's or ':D's for a disclaimer, i guess i thought he just knew me well enough to know i was just teasing him. But instead apparently i'm a witch... so. yeah. i guess it's time we just let go, you know?
but yeah so that's why i'm blocking people... just him actually. mebbe one day i'll let it off but at the moment i really dont trust anyone with a y chromosome.
so yeah plse dont show this to him and plse dont feel bad or anything. i'll just keep on keepin on with this thing and write my brains out... HEY! Its what i do best! :D
much luv all my buds
<3<3<3

Storm

2008-06-04T19:23:00.001-07:00

The hour grows late. The pen in my hand, poised perfectly for writing more of the words that fill me, now pauses: hesitating. The wind had picked up, a fact indisputable, but i inquired as to the timing. The storm was not meant to arrive until past one o'clock in the morning and it was barely past ten! It was to be the second of two, bearing down on our home with vivacious ferocity. The cause of my pause, dear reader, was because of a sound; my favorite sound to be exact. Thunder had rumbled, distant and distinct, through my window and to my ear. Ah! and there it was, the groan of the walls under the force of wind and the spraying patter of raindrops on my window.
As my room sits on the south easterly corner, the music is soon complete with the gentle flow of the gutters spilling out into the grass below. What a lovely sound! My pen sat, abandoned, on my journal as i stood, transfixed before my window. No more time for writing: it was time for inspiration.
Up the blinds went, and my calm fingers undid the latches. No screen blocked my view nor bounded my hand. Into the night, half of me went.
The rain was gentle, though soon enough it would be spattering against my face and rendering me blind. But i did not care. Thunder boomed, shaking the pictures from their nails and sparking goosebumps from my skin. Lightning flashed menacingly, forking across the sky like hungry tongues, only outshined by the overwhelming roll of thunder. I was frightened, and withdrew my hand, laughing as i did so. The danger was not imaginary, nor was the risk, but all the same i felt so small and at the mercy of a greater power that i laughed. This storm did not know what i would do.
Bracing myself against the pane, i leaned my head out, the drops soaking through my wild hair and dampening it into wavy sheets. I breathed the sweet wet air deeply, feeling the life it brought to my chest. Out went my disappointments, in went reassurance. Out went my anger, in went calm. Out went sadness to be likened to toxin, and in came peace. Rain soaked me and i relaxed into meditation.
My breath was the wind. My heart beat, thunder. My blinking eyes, the lightning bolts. Would i have been crying, i suppose the drops would have been my tears, but i had no need to cry. I was the storm. I was the mightiest and most underestimated power in the air. But they were my tears still, the ones i refused to shed day after day. I knew i was stronger, and i would take more power from the storm as it passed.
Thunder cracked before the bolt had receeded. it was too dangerous to stay. I withdrew my head and wrapped it in a towel. My bare arms shivered with the chilling water that beaded and rolled into my shirt. Still, i soaked it thorough. But i am not foolish, reader, when my teeth clicked and my bones chilled, i changed into warm night clothes and buried myself under my blankets. My pen was knocked to the floor and crushed by the journal it had once commanded. I could not write properly: i was at peace.

apparently i'm the only one who UPDATES their blog...

2008-06-01T05:07:00.000-07:00

hello and welcome to another exciting episode of "The Life of Cate the Great!"

This week (this past week), Cate will discover once again the dreads of her family ward at 9 am... meet with bishop to discuss Seminary graduation, see a movie with friends, go places, have fun, drive the loser cruiser, and take a trip to Lurray Caverns in Virginia!!

Then, just as all seems well, Cate's stomach starts twisting. She awakens early to attend graduation for the class of 08 at her old high school, and again is accused of abandoning everyone too early, but after graduation, it all goes awry...that afternoon is spent curled up on the couch with a glass of water and the TV remote, trying to understand why her stomach is melting through her organs...

But sickness shall not prevail!! By the next morning she can eat again and not only accomplishes the chores set out for her and her dad to do while her mom is at work... she also makes it to two amazing graduation parties!!! and though her team didnt win at man hunt, she did discover that she still has friends in odd places after all.

Join us next time for another exciting episode!!

next week: seminary graduation, starting work?, preparing for institute!! will the legacy her brothers left behind in the C2 singles branch bee too much for her to overcome??

the question of the day... compliments of Paxipoo

2008-05-25T11:10:00.001-07:00

If you separate yourself from a society to found your own ...is that still being anti-social?

YEAH!

2008-05-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

hey everyone
omgsh last night was iiiiincredible! it was class night for 08... the main purpose was for the slide show and announcing superlatives... but it was also a partai!! aww the music was sooo good and got to dance and jump and go crazy w/ a bunch of my friends!!! amazing times. i was sooo glad alpana asked mrs. silverman if i could go and since mrs. silverman is amazing and loves me she said yes! yay! and today i get to go to the senior picnic as well! its only an hour but it should be amazing. and its almost warm today! hahaha. oh oh and i got a job interview today at paneras!! YAY they dont even have applications yet so the manager guy just gave me an interview appointment. YEAH
so hopefully i can work there in the mornings and at eddie bauer in the afternoons... or if they pay well then maybe i'll just work there :D

anyways mommah and me are gonna hit the gym first so TOODLOO!!
dont burn anything down (without me that is:D)

are you ready?

2008-05-20T00:08:00.001-07:00

alas the day has finally arrived. James will be coming to pick me up and take me to the airport in about 4 hours. and my flight leaves in 5. i cant really believe it.
If i didnt get the chance to see you today and hug you for 15 minutes... i'm sorry. there's been a lot to do and i didnt get it all done (hence why i'm still awake) but rest assured you are all required to leave me comments, facebook me, call me, email me, write me, and/or stay in contact with me using some means of communication. I'll only be gone about 2.5-3 months... depending on a few things (that's you jill :D)
so much has changed since i've been home last... i don't even...
well... my mind isnt exactly cognitive... not because it's 1 am... but because i've been ubber busy and crazy all day and we watched a lot of 10th kingdom HAHA love that show! but alas! life goes on and never forget how much i love you guys. i really really do.
i suppose a lot of things would be different if i wasnt leaving... but in a way it's good that i am. can't get too attached to anywhere... because i'm always gallavanting off after the next adventure. but i have felt more at home here in boise in the last few weeks with all of you than i have felt in a really long time. i'm just a kid after all... although i tend to forget that.
Yes i will try to stay out of trouble
No i will never forget any of you
and yes i shall return!! no worries about that
and so i bid a great big "valete" (latin for farewell) to all the peeps that have definitely made life interesting
<3<3<3

Just an off day...

2008-05-15T14:48:00.001-07:00

Woke up this morning, knowing that it would be the last day of the semester for me. Rather an interesting thought in and of itself. I mean, I'm barely 18 and I've just finished an entire first year of College!! What is this?? Needless to say... I feel rather old. I also knew today was going to be an especially long day, seeing as I had two finals plus work. Ugh.
Decided to be a bum today, gym shorts and t shirt galore!! w00t!
Got to Math, was really, really frustrated by the final. It wouldn't be hard... IF WE WERE ALLOWED TO USE A CALCULATOR!!! honestly... multiplying by decimals and adding and multiplying fractions... takes a while by hand. took me almost the entire 2 hours to complete the exam. It was pretty hard for having to do everything by hand. Ugh. My brain hurt afterward. But that's okay.
It was an absolutely gorgeous day today. Well past 80 degrees. So I went to the amphitheater to chill out until either someone called or it was 11 and I could go pick up my English final from my teacher. Rachel called and we went to Big City one last time (unless we decide to go between now and Monday...that is) then we got my English final and went to meet Dallas at the SUB.
Ugh so much fun!! Dallas has the craziest stories and we get along really well. And hey! we all had finals at 1, Rachel at the Engineering building, Dallas at the Business building, and me at the Multi purpose building. I got done first, and had walked past the business building when I get a text from Dallas saying he's done and he'll meet me outside of the Multi purpose building... little did he know. mwahaha. He was lying unexpecting on the grass when I snuck up behind him. I've scared him worse before... but its still fun to try anyway :D. Then Rachel was done and we got lunch at TRC. again... stayed there for a long while talking. Fun times. But all the same... last day of classes for this year, last time at TRC this year, last time seeing Dallas until band starts up again, etc etc.
But the most interesting and off-throwing event happened when we were walking back toward the quad after lunch... I ran into the ONE person I honestly have had no desire to see, and will continue to have no desire to see or have contact with ever. Now, this may sound harsh, but for serious, it was really strange to see Travis Dyer again. This is the ex that was cheating on me and got engaged the night we broke up... yeah. he comes strollin up the other side of the quad. I thought it might be him but... no... couldn't be... dang it. he recognized us too... saluted me ( he was in uniform) and even stopped to make fun of Dallas like they were old pals. He tried to kick Dallas and i stepped forward. "Do not kick him! I kill you!" to which he took a step forward and bent his knees so he was eye-level with me. that's so... him. it was just really weird. i mean i havent seen him in forever, and then just out of the blue, and i KNEW i was gong to see him before i left (out of paranoia) when Dallas told me he was back a few weeks ago. But just... it was weird. There's alot of memories from band and from basically my entire social life the first three months of BSU. it was just strange. I dont want to kill him anymore (which took a while... believe me) and i don't hate him... i just... i dont know. it was really weird. like oh hey! havent seen that part of my memories in a while...
anyways but now i gotta go to work! should be pretty interesting!

Story of the Year: Until the Day I Die

2008-05-13T20:29:00.001-07:00

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die too
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die!!!

i freaking love this song!!!!

2008-05-10T21:43:00.001-07:00

The echo of his footsteps in the street
And the drip-drop of tears on my cheeks
Were the only sounds on that sad dark night
When my loving baby said goodbye

We used to stay home every night
We lived a quiet, happy life
But now if you’re looking to find me ain’t so hard
I’ll be right here on Heartache Boulevard

Come on over and see me sometime
The jukebox plays on and the losers are fine
Oh how the whiskey flows and it works like a charm
Here on Heartache Boulevard

So pour me a round at the bar
And turn up that steel guitar
Cause I ain’t going home and I ain’t going far
I moved down to Heartache Boulevard

11 days

2008-05-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

HOLY SNAP! i gotta get my butt in gear and start packing! so its almost friday of dead week... can't believe it!! next week i have english final on monday, tuesday studying for math with a bunch of buddies from my math class, wednesday is anatomy and physiology exam, and thursday is math and art exams. then friday i go to work annnd then i'm going to my friend's brother's wedding reception. and saturday i'm going to my last day at eddie bauer store 155 haha (transfered to eb175 in columbia mall!) then its sunday then monday then i'm coming/going home!!! HOLY CRUD! cant believe it.
everything's gonna go SO fast. not even joking. for serious.
OH i'm about a third of the way into jane eyre again... annnd i worked about 2 hours on my book today! YAY... annnndddd... ugh we're finally done w/ the reproductive system in my biology class THANK HEAVEN*
oh man i was such a ditz today... apparently jeff was sitting at the same table as arky, ashley, and laura... but i had absolutely no idea... cant tell ya why!! apparently i was momentarily blind!! mervan and chris commented about him leaving and i was like what?! he wasnt here! ... apparently he was...
(felt like such an idiot)

but there's my spiel for today!!!
just keep on keepin' on!
luv ya mah peeps!

14 days...

2008-05-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes i know... i'm not supposed to remind people of when i'm headed back to the east coast. But alas... it is one of the most predominant things on my mind... other than finals and work. But life is good again! thanks to an amazingly productive weekend. Alas! it is tuesday! i didnt have to go to history class today since we took the final last week... umm so i hung out at the institute and chillaxed with people! plus i got some work done on a new story idea i've got. i started it probably about two and a half months ago... but i finally typed the thing up and letting it grow. only have a slightly idea where its going...but i like it thus far! plus i started writing an actual bonified movie script for another idea... buuuuuut yeah no idea where thats going... more like the introduction or the trailer. but we shall see.
yesterday i went to work and i got to close with jane! yay! she's so cute haha. and i dont work till maybe thursday! w00t! i promised matt that i'd go dancing with him before i left and chris and i have to have a wrestling rematch... maybe it wont be over a hair tie this time LOL but i won MWAHAHA.
anyways ummm yeah! life is good. jeez i've got to get packing. UGH so depressing hah. but man its gonna be weird to go home. but i'll have mucho fun! ... laughing at all my friends as they walk across the stage at graduation!!! plus i've gotta have a huge partaii before everyone goes to college (again). so yeah! lotsa fun this summer... i figured that if i work 35 hours a week at 8 bucks an hour i can get 2500 this summer... which would be AMAZING. YAY for tuition! mebbe i'll just get two jobs... or three... depends. we shall see.
but i should probably get back to paying attention in class... but come on! my art teacher is just talking about his accomplishmets! ... although his graffiti attempt in boise was really funny. (boise has an anti-grafiti task force... no joke!!)
anyways peace and love (wo)man!
<3<3<3

2008-05-02T21:07:00.001-07:00

:-D

Good day... thus far

2008-05-01T10:52:00.001-07:00

Indeed it has been a good day thus far. i let myself sleep in until about 820 :D that was amazing. got ready quickly, got to school on time, studied for my history final while sort of paying attention in my math class, and took my history final. i'm not sure how well i did on the multiple choice... he had a lot of stuff in there he never went over in class... like how many people died in these five different countries in WWII... whatever... alot of freaking people died! we get it!!
but i'm pretty sure that i blew the essay out of the water tho... mwahaha. my rant on terrorism. anyways and then so i went to the library and although i didnt get a computer... i went to starbucks to order a short hot cocoa (since my history class is FREEZING) and they accidentally gave me a tall! haha apparently i'm megan at starbucks today. i said becky but she didnt hear me right... the machine was on haha. i like being a different name each time i com here... just to shake things up!
well ... anat and phys starts in about 20 min so i'd better skeedaddle!
toodloo
hope your day is well

stress

2008-04-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

Stress is taking
over my life
and while i'm strong
i cant fight strife
too much studying
a final tomorrow
no time to eat
it only feeds sorrow.
blood poured from my face
because of sleeping, clawing hands,
now i'm back to biting fingernails
that's a better plan
friends who are worried
i'm utterly confused
way too much drama
has recently ensued.
I sought not for help
but found it
in friends, in family
and in holy writ
But the one i love is angry
because of what he thinks i've done
i wish i could explain
instead i want to run
but i will not flee
for i can be brave
i owe him everything
for the lessons that he gave.
sleep is coming easier
because exhaustion raised
and i stumble in stupor
my vision but a daze.
i needed a comfort
and that i found
but the sickness derived
will put me in the ground.
another day passes
and not enough time
no breakfast, no lunch
just unhappy chyme.
exams loom overhead
i've got to get packing
life has no flavor
save the blood i'm hacking.
my body has rejected me
my mind has gone insane
all i have left to salvage
are the pieces of my brain.
my heart is dead
my will is weak
why does a bright future
look so very bleak?
and so i write
whatever it is i feel
so confusion does not plague me
so none of this is real.

New Day

2008-04-24T12:54:00.001-07:00

Stayed up late again last night,
Hoping to somehow make it right,
But I was wrong and couldn't deny
That I let my anger go awry.
But any regret I have none
Cuz the healing has begun
Something hurt, mercilessly so
But now no more, cuz now I know.
Waking is easier
Though stomach is queasier
Nightmares vanished
Memories tarnished
Confusion has made me see this way
But I am free to begin a New Day

Stay

2008-04-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Came so far away from home
I'm only human, blood and bone
Came to learn, not planning to stay
But then you looked my way

Never meant to give my heart away
Just mean to live from day to day
Couldn't help that you took my breath away
But it's too late--and I can't stay

I'd give anything to see you smile
I'm sorry I can only stay a while
Everything I have, I'd give to you,
If you would only remember me too.
If I had one wish, I'd wish to remain
To save you from tears--from my awful pain
You know in my heart I'll always love you
I only hope you'll remember me too.

Never meant to give my heart away
Just meant to live from day to day
Couldn't help that you took my breath away
But it's too late--and I can't stay.

Tell me, please, that you'll be alright.
Tell me to go--I won't put up a fight.
Tell me to love you and I promise I will.
It doesn't even matter, I'll love you still.
And I don't know exactly when I'll be back
Sometimes life takes me on a different track
A thousand adventures, a hunger to kill
it doesn't even matter, I'll love you still

If you could come with me
I'd let you see
Everything I want my life to be
From mountain tops to the rolling sea
I'd show you what it's like to be free

. . .

Never meant to give my heart away
Without you how will I go day to day?
The time is coming, and how I pray!
It's too late--But I wish I could stay.

this morning

2008-04-11T09:46:00.001-07:00

i am in a skirt...

i am wearing heels...

my hair is down...

i'm wearing makeup and jewelry...

and i still have no idea why i did this to myself. UGh i feel so poofy!!! how some girls do this everyday i'll never know. all i know is i'm not used to it (probably why i decided to try it today... like an experiment) and now its drivng me crazy. but alas... i'm such a freaking man i swear. gimme baggy shorts and a XL cotton Tshirt any day of the week and i'll be happy (except for sunday of course) [but on sunday you dont have a backpack and wind... ]

but such is my rant for now... just got out of english class ( the second duke of rochester had WAY too much time on his hands... i pity those who know what i mean) and i gotta go meet mrs. ann over at the institute to set up the blood drive at the end of this month! yay i know what i'm doing now with service committee!

and gramma's freezer died so we're having a big meaty dinner tonight. yum yum! *irish accent* "There's nothin' ta eet but meat and potehtoes"

banterings of a tomboy wearing a skirt who wonders why.......~~

Gr, Arg, and otherwise GAH!

2008-04-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

so... my laptop (george) is a little confused right now.... seeing as he is flashing a folder with a question mark the middle of a completely blank screen...
nothing wrong with the battery... did everything the manual told me to do to force it to start up (made all the right sounds...but the screen still won't work!!) took it to the bronco tech shop today...but the tech guy is out with the flu... here in lies the 'Gr'
allow me to move on to the 'arg'...
arg would encompass the sudden increase in homework paired with the sudden increase of work hours (not that i'm complaining... i need the money... however it is exceedingly difficult to do homework or deposit paychecks with no computer...) this encompasses the 'arg'
and... finally
GAH! WE ONLY HAVE 5 WEEKS TILL FINALS!!!!!! HOLY MOSES!!!!! and then i have to figure out about going home....i'm flying... its cheaper... and then i gotta find a summer job since carmax rejected me and i am NOT working at eddie bauer all summer (not enough hours and i would go INSANE)
not that i'm complaining... i get to get fat off of mommah mumford's cookin'. plus i'll have my own bed and all my stuffed animals mwahaha. but it should be interesting nonetheless.

BUT on a happier note.....
this weekend was AMAZING!!!
i was at work friday night, but bro and sis barnes came by and talked to me through the grate after the store was closed but we were still trapped straightening and then five minutes later it was jill and jeff on the other side of the grate!!! haha de ja vu! and we watched ever after partially outside and partially inside and my gramma and uncle dave came back from blackfoot and saturday after i got off of work, me jeff rachel and laura went to get chinese food (yum!) then jill came over adn we played poker with jellybeans and upwords which was amazing. and then on sunday jill and laura came over to watch conference in pj's!! YAY so mucho divertido this weekend!!
and my friends are all amazing because they help distract me from the gr, arg, and otherwise GAH that pretty much dominates life when unconscious.

ciao!

~scribblings of a nearing-bipolar-mental-status college student who just wants life to plan itself for the next five years. ~~

back to the real world

2008-04-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

okay so to clear things up for SOME people (coff alps coff) ;-) i do not hate maryland and well a certain SOMEONE is mostly the reason summer is gonna be bittersweet. but alas i shall survive (i hope) naw summer will be nothing compared to the next 6 weeks... gramma fell and 'broke her leg, arm, and dislocated her shoulder' so she's immobile and high rite now...my uncle is coming up from utah tomorro or friday and we'll see where it goes from there. my dad might come out and we might find a care place for her to stay... i'm just upset that her friends took her to a doc in the box instead of a hospital. if her injuries were really that severe (she was walking the day before she found out her leg was broken... usually that doesnt happen... especially for someone her age... according to my mother) so yeah thats kinda the plan right now. its good that i'm here... but i go to school and work during the day and we're scared to death she's gonna try to get up by herself to go to the bathroom or something and fall again and kill herself... that would not be good.
but on a lighter note it would be good to see my dad again if he ends up coming out. and i guess it would be good for me if she was in a home or something for a while and i had to keep the house up. responsibility lessons galore. but anyway
ummm... let's see... i got some stuff done today, which is good. i have two exams next week (not good... but i can study) and i had a lab exam today which i think i did pretty okay on!
oh and it looks like i'm probaly driving home... but i'm thinking it might be cheaper to fly HAHA crazyness.
so yeah that's pretty much it... i made banana bread for matt today (the one i'm 'engaged to' ... if you havent heard the story... five words: bishop, sunday school, marriage lesson..) *and yes i happen to be matt's baking slave. i make all the goodies and he can get fat off of them LOL)
so yup ima run off and do some hw now so toodles

rantings of a college student who just needs to survive six more weeks before the normal suffering kicks in (;-) :-P)

onward to... provo?

2008-03-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

SPRING BREAK is half over!!! *sob* but thats okay... that means summer is that much closer... ugh summer is gonna b bitter sweet... probably more bitter than sweet but that's another story.
ANYWAYS yes we are in Provo... and it has been amazing thus far! The drive down wasnt terrible either! hahaha we found gas! YES! it was a miracle. haha. oh oh and and rachel was SO out for about two hours... and we called her cupcake in baby voices and made faces at her... yup she was asleep. she didnt even realize it either.
AHHH and "Love Song" is stalking us!!!! AHHHH!!! but thats okay its a good song.
so we got in about at 1.... we talked with alyssa and kylie till about three... and then we slept... well I slept... jill didnt but thats okay. then we gt up and made breakfast and got all gorgemous... and went grocery shopping... then we met my bruvah for lunch and toured the LDS motion picture studios with my good buddy the now "elder" cox. But he's a service missionary so i got to hug him YAY! and what else did we do? OH we had sword fights (got the bruises to prove it) and i got my signed enders game copy! YAY. and and and and we hung out and watched MI: III with my brother and his roomate. and we watched a bollywood spoof thing of enchanted that alyssa's hindi class put on... It was HILARIOUS ohmah goodness.
and my parents put my dog down yesterday... but thats okay... i mean... haha my parents made an e card 'from ele' it was really sweet. but she's just old... i mean i've had her since i was 2 for pity's sake!!! so if i come over to ur house and am all over the dogs... thats y... just fyi.
and anyways so baack to happy thoughts.... we got dinner with george at this hawaiian grill that was good... but we forgot to get ice cream but thats okay. and we talked till about 1 am and went to sleep and we made pancakes this morning!!
pretty much freaking amazing.
ugh byu has WAY too many crazy building names like the marb or the jfsb... well mormons do like acronyms... but ugh i dont even remember what they call their sub... is something totally random. and the buildings arent really labeled
but i'm just complaining because i really wouldnt like to go here... but its cheap... and my brother's here... UGH frustrations. and the mountains are pretty. but that's all.
ayways i gotta find my laptop charger before this battery dies... i've been spending too much time showing off pictures and movies... haha. and i keep staring at...pictures... of... nevermind.
mwhahahahhaa i'm stealing wireless from byu... amazing! BUT they block you tube! OF ALL THINGS and myspace... but i can accept that.... anyways we shall see you latrr!!
news casting of a twitterpated, broke college student who is on vacation.

ugh i'm never reading new moon again

2008-03-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

so art class is pretty boorish right now... just going over some printmaking stuff that i already know because we did printmaking in my art class last year in high school!! o wow... high school... i gotta figure out when i'm going back for the summer... maybe i can make graduation (the one i was SUPPOSED to walk in haha)
ughhhhh summer is soooooooo bitter sweet. totally not fair. i swear i either need a clone or a twin....but then i'd just be jealous of myself so that really wouldnt work. grr. but thats okay... i will live (hopefully) and (again, hopefully) all my boise friends will recognize me after an entire summer on the east coast out of high school....ugh i do not want to be as uptight as i used to be... again *sigh* i shall resist!!! but perhaps i can go to byu...LONDON next winter. thats the latest and greatest hope. *grumble* i just need to get my book published... then i can go/ stay wherever i want and i can just take what i need and go all over the place and get a plane and and... i'm getting ahead of myself... but thats okay. everyone can dream right?
ooooh i'm soooo close to finishing my book its not even funny!! but i shall finish it and it shall be amazing and then i just need to find a publisher... but that will come... eventually. until then maybe i can just be a speech writer or short story writer... or teacher whatever i'll get it done. anyways we're moving on now i think AHHHH!!!!! i do NOT want to see "battle of Ten Naked men" i cant believe thats actually the title of an engraving... UGH. my eyes!!! its a good thing i keep my eyes on the laptop screen 96% of the time...
anyways
what else is going on......
jeff is in SO much trouble... but he knows why now... but its a good-ish trouble... not a bad trouble. so its all good. his bday's tomorrow!! YAY bdays are good days. or at least they should be.
anyways i should probably take some notes now... ack!! we still have an hour?!!?! *sigh* mebbe we'll get out early... *crosses fingers*

keep it real, for serious!
~babblings of an overachieving, relieved, hopeful, and crafty college student.